Christian vs. Following Jesus

A lot has been going on in our lives lately; a job change and one unexpected expense. I don't normally talk about this, because it's our personal life, but I want to share just a little bit, because it plays a part in what I really want to talk about.

For the past 4 years or so of my life, I've struggled with "Christianity." I have run into a lot of people who claim to be Christian, then lie to me, lie about me, are rude, unkind, judgmental, etc.

So during this change in our lives with jobs and an unexpected pregnancy, we needed a little bit of help during the change. So we contacted a church to see if we could get some help. They were more than willing to help, but as time went on, things started getting out of hand. Though we only asked for help once, the judging began. Words spewed about how my hubby must be lazy, that I was a bad mom, that I should give my baby up for adoption, that we were irresponsible, etc. None of which were or are true. Just because we needed a little help financially for one month doesn't make us lazy or bad parents! And all this was coming from a benevolence team with a church.

Now maybe it's my fragile state of mine with my pregnancy, the change of jobs and financial issues and my past with "Christians," that is causing me to be so extremely sensitive to this. I have a choice; to forgive, love, accept and move on, or I can be angry, frustrated, even vengeful. Right now, to be honest, I'm in between the two. I'm struggling. I feel pulled to the wrong side, and my human nature wants to say, "I'm justified in the way I feel. These people are being mean. They're rude. They're judging me and my family wrongly." But the Jesus in me says, "Just love. Just forgive. Just let Me deal with this." My human side wants to send an email to these people and let them have it. The Jesus side of me wants to send a Thank you card for all the help we have received and just be thankful.  Oh the war within!

I have run into many people who have been completely turned away from Christians and the church for things similar to this. Why is that? Why is the church so judgmental? Where are the people trying to be like Jesus? And I mean the ones who are really striving to be like Him, not just attending church on Sunday's and praying a prayer over their meals every day. It's really bad when time after time you run into people unsure of how to respond to Christians, be around them and some of them just downright don't want anything to do with them. I'll be honest. Some of the nicest, most accepting and giving people are those who say they're not Christians. Some of them are even Atheists.

When people ask me if I'm a Christian, I normally respond with a "No." But I quickly follow that with, "I just try to follow Jesus. I try to do what He wants of me. I fail. I make mistakes. I'm human. But I try my best and when I fail, I ask for forgiveness and move on!"

Jesus wants us to respond in love to others. It's sometimes hard. It's not always roses and chocolate to be a Jesus follower. With those roses, there are thorns. With the chocolate, there might be some bitterness. But what counts is that we allow the roughness to help polish our weak spots and to help us shine brighter so people can see Jesus.

Finding Safety

The other night, I was laying in bed, just thinking. It was one of those sleepless nights with the kids, so I had decided to just read, relax and think. At one point during the night, a shadow passed by my bedroom window and it sorta startled me. We do have a sidewalk right next to our home, but since I'm normally asleep at night, I don't think to pay attention to anyone walking by.

When the shadow passed by, I found myself sitting up quickly, trying to make sure someone wasn't lurking. I didn't see anything, so I laid back down. But it sorta got my heart racing. I'm not one to scare easily, but for some reason, that shadow just...didn't settle right with me. Finally, after about 20 minutes of not being able to push this sense of agitation aside, I got up and peeked outside. Of course, nothing was there. It was probably just someone who was walking by to do laundry, or even go to their own home.

But it got me thinking. Sometimes in life, we see these shadows, whether they're real or not, and we end up sitting there, in fear. Then sometimes we find it in ourselves to get up and peek at what that shadow might be. Sometimes there is a real "danger" and sometimes it's just nothing.

God wants us to learn to trust Him. Because do you know the reason there is a shadow? Because a light is shining behind it.... HIM. He sees the shadow in our lives. But He is in control. He is our protector. He takes care of us and if we trust in Him, we can run through that shadow without fear and into His welcoming, warm arms.

Be Thankful

How many of us have struggles in our every day life? I'm sure if I asked that question in a roomful of people, every single person would raise their hand.

Let's face it. Life isn't easy. There are hard knocks on all fronts; family, finances, relationships, jobs, friends, car wrecks, parent loss, and in general, it could be something as simple and silly as the grocery store not having our favorite yogurt in stock.

But something I'm learning is to move on from the hard knocks, to forget about how awful or bad I feel from the things that come and are coming into my life. There is always something to think positive on, be thankful for, and love. We all know how it is to have that one (or two) negative people on our FaceBook or Twitter that just never has anything positive to say. It's always complain, fuss, complain, fuss and don't you just want to delete them, or block their posts? Alright, I know I'm NOT one to be talking here, because I've been known to be Negative Nelly. But I'm changing that. And it's because I've learned that I loose friends, family and respect, plus I loose joy and fulfillment in my life, by just being negative.

It's not been easy at times to find the positive. Some days everything just goes wrong: the kids wake up all soaked in their beds, the trash is overflowing, the toilet overflows, the AC breaks, we don't have quite enough to pay this one bill, a finger nail rips, etc, etc, etc. And often times on those days, I have to sit and think, "What am I going to say that is positive? What will help uplift someone else?" And of course, I'm also thinking, "I wish someone would just post something that would encourage me!" Then I realize, Hey, it's not someone else that is going to make my day brighter, tho their choice of words can brighten my day. It's MY choices and thoughts that are going to bring happiness to my heart and life. I am the one in control of my happiness!

So even tho the whole day is going wrong, I can still find something to be happy about. My kids, the blue sky, (or the rain, if it's raining), the food I am blessed with, a roof over my head, my husband, my parents, the flowers, the grass, my car, my parakeet, that I have AC, running water, a nice church, etc, etc, etc. I know a lot of times, for me, when life gets overwhelming, it's sometimes hard to remember what all I'm really blessed with. But once I starting training myself to look for the good, then I learned to remind myself of all the blessings in my life.

So be thankful. If you don't have something in your life that you want, and it's out of your reach or ability to get, then stop pining away over it. Stop talking about. Stop thinking about it. Look at what you DO have and be thankful for that! There is always, always, always something to be thankful for!!! Always.

From Mundane to Extraordinary

Have you ever seen a butterfly? Ever marveled at it's beauty? Have you considered where a butterfly came from originally?

It came from a caterpillar. Then it wrapped itself up into a cocoon. Then it broke out of it's "shell" and unraveled it's wings, revealing a beautiful butterfly.

The caterpillar itself really isn't all that beautiful. (Mind you, some of them are pretty artsy, like the one pictured above, but not all of them are).

Here is a quick synopsis of how it works: (you'll understand why I'm telling you all this in a minute).

The adult butterfly lays several eggs which hatch in about 5-7 days. The baby caterpillars eat like crazy during the next few weeks. During this time, because they're growing so quickly, they shed their skin several times. Then their body starts changing. Some even begin to show signs of the butterfly they will become, on their bodies.  They will then find a branch to hang their bodies upside down from, attach themselves and begin becoming what they call a Chrysalis. Once it is fully formed, it will shake around and rid itself of the last piece of skin from the caterpillar. It will be still for a while after that. While inside the chrysalis, major things are going on! The caterpillar's body is being  disassembled and reconstructed into the adult butterfly! The butterfly, once fully formed, will release a hormone that softens the shell  and the butterfly will push it's way out. Even then, the butterfly's wings are crumbled and have no fluid in them. They will sit for several hours while their wings are filled with fluid and then they will be ready to fly.

It's the same with us. We often start out as ugly little creatures, able to just inch along the ground, eating and eating, gaining knowledge and wisdom. Then we get even uglier while we just sit there waiting for God to transform our lives. Then we're born...yet often we're not ready to fly. We gain more knowledge and life giving breaths are breathed into our lungs. Then we're able to fly! We're able to go soooo many more places than we could have ever dreamed or imagined when we were just a caterpillar. Now we have wings! We can reach so many more people.

But there is a time and place for each process. We need to be thankful for the time God has us in right now. While it may not be where we want to be, it's preparing us for what is ahead. God has plans for us, but we need to trust His process. His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. He knows exactly what we need and when. It's our duty to just trust Him, follow His lead and allow Him to transform our lives when He sees fit. Don't rush into something, just because you know God has laid something on your heart. Sometimes preparation needs to take place. Sometimes training needs to happen. And sometimes, we just need to sit a while while He completely tears us down and rebuilds us, because that is the only way we will become beautiful, able to be used by Him.

See Yourself as Beautiful

God thinks you're beautiful. He doesn't just think you are, he knows you are. You want to know why? Because He created you. He formed you in His hands...each cell, each hair, every single part of you, He created.

God never creates something that is ugle, imperfect, or disgusting.

In this day and age, women walk around in this, "Barbie-styled" world. The idea that is pushed on women is to be skinny (anorexic really), make-up marred face and to have a look that isn't really them. Everything has to be fake. Before I give the wrong impression; I'm not against wearing make-up, being stylish, or even wanting to have an outfit that you saw in a magazine. But I wish women and girls would realize that they can be themselves with make-up, being stylish and wearing that outfit they saw.

But another thing that I see often times, not only in others, but quite often in myself, is how I want to "impress" people, because I feel like they won't accept me if I'm not "up to par" or "dressed to their standards." It's called peer pressure. Yes, even women of my age, with 2 kids and one on the way fall under the influence of peer pressure. I honestly think it's something people deal with their whole life, unless they can master this: If they can master the thought that they are beautiful. They are accepted. They are loved. They don't have to do anything to win any approval from God. God accepts them for who they are.

I have people in my life that I run into occasionally that sorta "shame" me, because they're so nicely dressed, so skinny, so....beautiful. When I run into these people, I'm always smoothing my shirt out, wishing I'd remembered to shave my legs, and wishing I'd dashed a little bit of make-up on. I don't know if they notice that I'm not "up to par" but I feel scrutinized. I feel like they look down on me because I'm not rich like they are.

But the other day, when I ran into these people, I was in a stained shirt, wrinkled denim shorts that had stains on them, my hair was a gigantic mess and I felt completely disheveled. I felt like crying. But then as I was standing there trying to focus on them, instead of how horrible I felt about myself, I looked up to see a sign on the wall, "You ARE Beautiful."

Wow. Timely word, right?

I paused, gathered myself and actually soaked in the comfort of those words. I finished my short conversation with these people and was able to go my own way. As I walked along, I felt God's comforting voice show me who I really am, and what really matters about me. He told me HE didn't care about the stains on my clothes, or how my hair was like a huge frizz ball from the rain. He told me HE didn't care that I was a bit disheveled. He just reminded me that I am a mom, a wife, and that He had created me. He reminded me that image meant nothing. He reminded me that HE created my hair...didn't He know that it would get to be a huge fizz  ball in the rain and humidity? Yes. He knew...and He thinks it's beautiful. He thinks that my freckles are beautiful. He knew I'd gain weight with my two kids and wasn't going to be a skinny rake. He likes it. He created my babies, and He created me to be curvy. He thinks that is beautiful.

So why is that us as women think less of ourselves? Why don't we start looking at ourselves through God's eyes and not worry about what others think of us. I want to get a bracelet that says, "God made me beautiful." Don't down yourself for being you. Be thankful that you are created by the most Awesome God who took time to knit you in your mothers' womb. He didn't rush to make you. He takes a full 9 months (or as some women like to say, 10 months in all reality) to create you. He takes His time to create every aspect of your body. So embrace it. Love it. Take care of it. Be thankful for it.

See yourself as Beautiful!

Pick Up Your Sword and Fight

I got a really encouraging email from my dad encouraging me through some very complicated issues in my life. I wrote an email back to him and this is what I wrote. I felt really encouraged after reading what he wrote and this is my response. I felt like God spoke to me while writing him, and thought what God spoke to me might encourage someone else too.

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Pops,

I do remember you talking about the magic wands, but you know what? It's probably good you don't have one. It's because we go through rough times that help us grow stronger.

Through everything with Homestead, getting preggy, the military, job loss, financial issues, church issues, family problems etc, we're learning how to be better people. We're learning how to love, be considerate, thoughtful, and gracious with people. It's taught us to think, instead of judge so much. To ask questions, instead of assume things about people. We know how it feels to be hurt, lied about, have no money, wrongful job loss, needing help, family rejection, etc. It's good. It's not been comfy to have all this happen. Far from it. But it's taught me a lot to listen to people, hear them out, know their side, to be forgiving, and loving.

Am I perfect? Nope. Don't even try to be. I know I'm human. I know I fail. What I do try is to be my best and when I see I've failed, or someone shows me I've failed, then I make it right.

But ALL of this is teaching me to know what a true friend is and what Jesus wants from me.

Life will get better. We're praying a lot. It's drawn us closer to Him, each other (not that we don't have our moments...we do), and it's just teaching us a lot about ourselves and other people.

Randy Weiss posted this this morning, "Tough day? Wanna scream? Don't! Take a moment. Try prayer. It works in silence and won't freak out folks you are supposed to love. Milk shakes are also nice."   I think the devil is playing around with God's people right now. There are a LOT of posts on FB about issues, drama and a whole host of other things where people are running into obstacles and struggles in their life. It just goes to show that God has something REALLY good just around the corner and the devil knows it. The devil knows that Paul and I are supposed to be used by God. He wants to stop it. It wants to ruin our faith in Him. Instead, it's just making us stronger in God and causing us to fight even harder. Which in turn makes the devil fight even harder through avenues he knows bothers us, gets us down and discourages us. We can choose to wallow in that, let him win, or we can get up and fight. We're choosing to fight. If we know God is for us, and we really know that deep down inside, so much so that we fully believe it...then why wouldn't we choose to fight? It would be silly to not fight. Because we have the biggest, best, most awesome God on our side and nothing can stand against us.
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Be encouraged! Don't ever stop fighting. You DO have God on your side. Close your ears to what the devil screams to you and listen to the soft, every comforting voice of Jesus.