My Beloved

My beloved, My daughter!

I am here for you.
You are Mine.
I claimed you before time began.
I paid for You with My own blood.

It is your heart that I want.
It is your love that I crave.
I want to hear your voice
I want to comfort your cries

Come to Me
Let me give you rest
My arms are open wide
My heart wants to beat against yours

Trust in Me
Give your life to Me
I'll take care of you
I'll be there for you

Doesn't matter what your past is
Doesn't matter where you've been
I Am forgiveness
I Am acceptance

Whether you're on the top of the world
Or you're in the deepest sea
My Love can reach you
My Love can heal you

Hold on tight, beloved
Don't let go
There is hope
Because I Am Love

The Birth Of My Daughter

My daughter was born on November 21st, 2013. I carried her for 41 weeks and wanted to share my journey to becoming a mother for the 3rd time!

This journey began back in February. I felt "off" and was sure there some reason other than pregnancy. After all, we were taking measures to make sure we didn't get pregnant again. So my mind went to all sorts of ideas and I did a lot of research to find out why I'd be having these pregnancy symptoms and I not be pregnant. I found several things, and none of them were reassuring. Instead I found myself panicked and worried all the time.

Finally, I told my husband what I suspected to be true: that I was pregnant. He didn't want to believe it either, but immediately dashed out of the house to go grab several different kinds of pregnancy tests. It was late at night when I had told him, but I decided to take the test anyways. (FYI: it's best to take a pregnancy test in the morning, as that is when the hormones are most strong). Almost immediately after taking the first test, two little pink lines appeared. I about fainted. Literally.  Then I decided to take another brand of a pregnancy test. That one was where it says "Pregnant" or "Not pregnant."

After the appointed time, sure enough, blaring and bright, it said, "Pregnant."

I came out to the kitchen where my husband was cooking a late night snack and I just looked at him. Just by my look, he knew! I think we shed a few tears; happy and sad, to be completely honest. We weren't ready for another baby. There was a lot going on in our lives at the time and we weren't stable financially or spiritually. The overwhelming thought of having a baby in the middle of such a tumultuous time was almost too much for me.  Please no judging, but my reaction to this pregnancy wasn't probably what it was supposed to be. I kept asking God why me? Why did this have to happen right now? I began to dread telling my parents and anyone else for that matter. I cried. And cried. I can't imagine the burden and pain my hubby must have been feeling. Again, here comes vulnerability; I am ashamed to say I didn't really give him too much thought. Selfish? Yes. I'm sorry and wish I could go back and redo it all and be more supportive of him during this time.

I scheduled an appointment with one of those Christian Pregnancy Clinics that gives free ultrasounds and pregnancy tests. At what I thought would be 8 weeks of pregnancy, I went in for an ultrasound. There we saw our little baby, heart beating strongly and looking really good. But I still wasn't happy. I mean, deep inside I was happy to have another little one, but still overwhelmed at the same time. I don't want to go into a lot of detail as it's not really pertinent to this story, but to give a little back ground, I'll explain a little.

My husband was going to college full time and was in between jobs at the time. We did not have stable, constant income. So during the first few months of pregnancy, I was having panic attacks, and was eventually diagnosed with panic disorder and it took me until the 7th month of pregnancy to get that under control. God provided a great job for my husband at the beginning of August.  So I was constantly overwhelmed, upset, angry even. Because of my attitudes and struggles, I began to cause problems in our marriage. It just spun out of control. I tried to hold it together on social media and even within my closer, more personal relationships. I tried to act like everything was ok, but deep inside, the waters just boiled.

Back to my pregnancy, I would go through days of being extremely excited, and then I'd have days of being extremely sad and frustrated. I'd ask my hubby over and over "Why me?! Why is this happening right now?" I didn't want to be pregnant right then. I was overwhelmed and one day, I poured my heart out to a friend, who suggested I find a doula. I knew I'd never be able to afford a doula, so I sorta blew it off. But then I decided to ask around, to see if anyone was a student doula and wanted to come to my birth to help qualify for their certification. Almost immediately, I was contacted by the sweetest lady ever, Leslie. We met with her and I instantly liked her and felt comfortable around her. She is Christian and it just seemed we would mesh well. As the months passed and I got closer to labor and delivery, she became a constant source of encouragement and help.

Also, once I reached about 6 months of pregnancy, I started having symptoms of SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction). It started out slow, and then by the time I delivered, I'd have days I could not walk, or move without extreme pain and would loose my balance, and fall. Sometimes I couldn't lift my foot to step over a small toy. I'd have days I couldn't get in or out of bed without help and often quite a bit of whimpering through the pain.

When I reached 37 weeks, I began to pray God would bring my daughter quickly into the world. Also, at 37 weeks, I began to have constant prodromal labor. Sometimes it was like sharp, "just there" Braxton Hicks, and sometimes it would feel like full blown labor and I would start timing contractions. Half the time I would be like, "This is IT!" And I'd excitedly text my hubby, who was at work (forgot to mention God blessed him with an awesome job that he loves, is in his line of work/study/college stuff and has tons of opportunity to advance and, if he wanted, he could probably retire from there). Then after 3-4 hours, the contractions would stop. My heart would go up through the clouds, in hopes that it was "it." And then it would come crashing down to earth again, when they would stop.

At 39 weeks, I had to go to the hospital after throwing up blood. I had been having issues with throwing everything up, including water, for weeks and weeks. Finally, after throwing up for so many weeks, over and over each day, I tore my esophagus. While I was there, they checked me, because I was contracting pretty strongly. I was dilated to 4 cm. I was really excited to know that, but also knew deep in my heart that being at a 4 meant nothing. With my last pregnancy, I had been dilated to a 4 for weeks...like 3-4 weeks, before going into labor. So I didn't get my hopes up too much.

Finally at 40 weeks, I sorta gave up on trying to "feel good." LOL. The prodromal labor was intense, and like I said before, I kept thinking I was in labor. I had several episodes of loosing my plug and quite a few bloody shows. Each time I would still get my hopes up. Then the 20th of November rolled around and I could tell a difference in the way I felt. I was extremely tired, restless, having lots of contractions and felt like she had dropped really low. So I got my birth ball out and began rolling around on it and I tried bouncing a few times, but it was too painful. My Mom had come down to help me out and so somewhere near 4 pm, I asked her if she'd watch the kids who were napping at the time, so I could take a nap. I laid down and got some good, restful sleep and didn't wake up till nearly 3 hours later. When I woke up, I realized the contractions felt different. They were causing a lot of pain in areas that pain hadn't really existed before. I could tell I was dilating further. But I still didn't get my hopes up too much. My midwife had mentioned to me weeks before that sometimes repeat moms could walk around at 5 cm and still not be in active labor, so I knew that dilating further still didn't mean I was in labor.

My husband came home around 10 pm from work and I told him that I felt different and that I thought this might really be it. Poor guy, I'd been telling him that for the past 2-3 weeks, and especially all day. He just smiled and reassured me that baby would come when it was time. I decided to text my doula and tell her that I was feeling different, but that I also felt my body was broken...why wouldn't my body just go into labor on it's own. I'd been struggling through the last weeks of pregnancy feeling like my body wasn't working. Why else would I be having all these struggles? Why all the pain, yet nothing was happening?! To say the least, I was frustrated. I posted on my FaceBook how frustrated I was and a friend and my doula both encouraged me to just relax, trust God and then my doula suggested a YouTube video. She suggested I watch it and follow the steps the video gave. So around 1 am, I finally took a bath to relax my muscles and try to see if the bath would calm the contractions any. I got my phone and played the video while I relaxed. I followed each step. I talked with my baby. I told her I was ready for her and she was wanted, needed and long waited for!

As I relaxed, I felt my body move her into a different position and I felt her even lower. I told my husband after the bath, that I felt that this really was it. I tried rolling around on the ball again, but it got too painful. My husband kept encouraging me to go to bed.

"Honey, you need rest if this is it. You'll need all the rest you can get so you can push." He kept telling me that over and over. So I finally took his suggestion and went to bed. But as soon as I'd barely drift off to sleep, a contraction would jerk me awake and I found myself not able to just grit my teeth through them, but I found myself moaning and then after 2 or 3 strong surges, I found myself gripping the planks of the bed. I slid out of bed and went out to the living room where my husband was. I told him I couldn't sleep, that the contractions were too strong. By this time, it was near 2 or 3 am, I believe. My husband turned on Hillsong/Kari Jobe/Jesus Culture for me to relax and listen to. I texted my doula (I think...everything sorta becomes blurred here, so forgive me if things become a bit jumbled or out of order!!) and told her I really thought I was in labor and I started timing the contractions. They were coming between 2-3 minutes apart and lasting about 30-45 seconds each. Some of them reaching 1 minute. My instinct was to sit on my birthing ball, even though it was really painful. I would grip the coffee table with each surge (I had tipped the coffee table up on it's end and was sorta holding onto the legs each time I had a surge). I didn't want to be touched, so my husband just stood/sat near by, encouraging me with each surge.

Finally around 4 am my husband told me we needed to call the midwives. I agreed. My sweet hubby! He's such a trooper, dealing with me during this time. He'd been asking me to call the midwives for almost 2 hours by that point. I am pretty sure he was relieved I finally agreed to call them. So I told my doula we were calling the midwives and would be headed to the birth center very soon. She told me that she would get ready and then go pick up Brianna (a sweet woman and student doula!) and would meet us up there. My midwife agreed to meet us up there and said she'd be there about 5:15 am.

We got there a few minutes before everyone else and I just kept having surges over and over. We got in the door and my midwife, Kristine, offered to check me. I was very anxious to know how far along I was, because deep inside, I still feared that this was just a false alarm. So I agreed to the check. I remember saying something about hoping I wasn't still at 4 cm. I heard her say, "You're definitely not at a 4 anymore." A few minutes later, after a surge ended, I asked my doula how far along I was. She told me I was dilated to a 9 on one side and 6 on the other. The midwife suggested lunges or laying on the side that still needed to dilate. I didn't feel like laying down and lunges were wayyyy too painful, so my midwife offered for me to get into a tub of warm water. I took her up on the offer immediately!

I eased myself into the water and the relaxation was heavenly! I felt wonderful...for a few minutes. :)

Then the surges started getting stronger and stronger and I became more and more vocal. My doula, Leslie, reminded me to "breathe" and to "go low" with my moaning. Trust me, when you're in the throws of labor, "going low" is very hard! At least for me. I wanted to squeal like a new born pig. But the more "low" I went, the more control I had over my pain level and the more I felt at peace.

As I progressed, I remember laying my head to one side, near my husband and looking him in the eye and saying, "I don't want to do this anymore. I want an epidural." I think I might have heard a few people giggle... If you're in the birthy world at all, you'll know that a woman is pretty close to delivering when she starts saying that and other things, like, "I just want to go home," or "Make this stop," or "I'll just keep this baby inside for a while. I'm not ready for this." Etc. But in the moment, I didn't remember any of that.

After about 1 hour of the tub, I began to get really hot, so they suggested I move out and get onto the bed. I walked quickly, with lots of help, to the bed and got on all fours. (My preferred way of laboring at the time, I guess!) I began to roar through each contraction. And I kept feeling like I was close, but wasn't feeling the urge to push. After a few minutes of roaring through contractions, my midwife asked me if I wanted to just try pushing. So I gave it a try (at 7:26 am exact) and felt my baby girl move down into the canal and began to feel the ring of fire almost immediately. I always get excited at my births when I feel the ring of fire, because I know I'm almost there. The endorphins were at an all time high and pushing actually felt good. (if "good" is the word to use? In all reality, the pain slips away for me during that point in labor and all I can focus on is that my baby is moments away from being in my arms!!!!)

I pushed again and her head was out! I pushed again and her shoulders got a little stuck, so they helped me get my leg into a position that would make for more room, so she could easily come out. I pushed again and I felt her slide out at 7:31 am! They put her between my legs and I saw her for the first time! Oh the joy! Oh the relief! And her cute little face just melted my heart. All the fears of becoming a mother again, and the frustration I'd had with God and myself during the whole pregnancy melted away. I felt God reassuring me that He was in control and that this little bundle that was squirming and beginning to cry in front of me was going to be a blessing in my life.

I looked over at my husband who was right next to me and said, "We DID IT!" There were tears in his eyes. We rubbed her little chest and saw her respond to us. The midwives helped me get settled and we curled up to cuddle our little one and get to know her. It was just awesome! I remember looking at the clock and feeling so relieved that the whole process only lasted 2 hours (pretty much) since arriving at the birth center. God was so faithful to me and gave me, once again, a dream birth.

My heart is so full of thankfulness to God. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I did a lot more complaining to God about it, than being thankful to Him for it. As I look back over the whole pregnancy; the stress, the job situation, the finances, the panic attacks, the health issues, the pain...everything, I see God's hand guiding, leading, holding, protecting and most of all, loving me. So often in the middle of crisis, or what we perceive as a crisis, we can't see anything beyond it. But all along, through it all, God is orchestrating something beautiful. He is creating something inside of us. If we allow Him to mold us on His Potters Wheel, we can become something beautiful, useful and lovely. Each experience we go through is His training camp for something He has planned for us. God will never lead us where His grace cannot keep us.

So there is the lonnnngggggg version of my pregnancy and birth. I hope I can condense this down...but I wanted to document everything in detail, because I know God did something in my heart during my pregnancy and birth and I hope it can encourage someone else. You don't have to be perfect. You can even question, be angry at and frustrated at God, yet He will still show His faithfulness to you. He doesn't require you to be perfect. He knows you're human. He knows you may not understand. But make it your goal to not stay in that "human" state of questioning, anger and frustration. Work on trusting Him. Give Him the reigns. It's hard. I think so often during the past 9 months, I would "give" the reigns to Him, only to grab them back a little while later. Our human nature wants to be in control, but ultimately, God is the One Who is in control and it's best to just trust Him, lean back and relax. Enjoy the ride. It's a ride you'll never forget, never regret and be changed by, if you allow it!

Marriage: Fix It, Don't Throw It

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook where a woman was asking about her cheating husband. She found out he had cheated by kissing another girl in her absence during a party. She confronted her husband about it and it seemed they both wanted to work it out.

The question she had was if she would ever be able to trust him again and things like that. Almost every response she received was "Leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater."

It saddened me greatly to see this sort of response from literally hundreds of women. I think she had about 300 responses, or so. She began to question her resolve and finally just said she was going to take some time away from him and just "mull things over."

Let me say this! I've only been married 3 1/2 years. I'm not an expert on marriage by any stretch of the imagination. But I've been through a lot during our time of marriage. We've gone through ups and downs like you'd never believe if I told you. I can safely say and advise, "Do not give up! Do not let anything intimidate you into leaving your spouse. You can always, always, always work through it, no matter what the problem is."

Forgiveness is key. Communication is extremely important. Trust is paramount. Love is priceless.

Fix your marriage! You can't afford to just throw it away. It's worth the fight. It's worth the tears. It's worth the heart ache. It's worth the pain. Because in the end, there is victory. Pray. Seek God. Ask Him for guidance. Spend time with your spouse. Learn about your spouse. Do the "Love Dare." Have faith. Never, ever, EVER give up!

Am I Good Enough?

As a mom, I often mull over my day and wonder if I did enough for my kids. Did they know that I love them? Or was my attitude too harsh? Did I handle that situation properly? Or should I have just given hugs?

Today I watched a video a church group put together of moms saying how they felt about themselves as moms. Then they had the kids come in and say what they thought of their moms, separate from their moms.  They used words like, "best friend, hero, best friend, kind, loving, beautiful, gentle, sweet," etc. The moms watched this video of their kids saying nice things about them and you could see the complete happiness, relief, joy and excitement they had over how much their children loved them!

Each person in the world needs love. Each person needs encouragement. Moms need it too. A lot. Reassurance and affirmation goes a long way. I don't think us moms are recognized enough. We clean the house, do the laundry, make the food, organize things for the kids, etc. We are on call 24/7 from birth until they move out for college, or get married. In all reality, those moms who have married, graduated children probably would still say they're on call, because those "kids" still need their mama's sometimes. We don't get "breaks." We get up in the middle of the night to clean up messes, nurse, change diapers, and comfort night fears.

So, are you a good enough mom? Yes.  I understand there are moms out there that aren't in the best place of mind, body or soul and maybe shouldn't be moms. I'm not here to judge those women. I don't know their story. But I do know that the majority of moms in the world are good moms.

Don't let the little blips in daily life get you down or send you on a guilt trip. Don't let the times that your impatience got the best of you tear you up.

It's so easy to look at all the bad things we've done, said or thought and then make ourselves out to be these bad moms. I just want to encourage you moms! When you start feeling down, look for the good things you've done. Recognize your worth. Recognize what you are doing and how important it really is. Being a mom doesn't come with a lot of fun things, or accolades.  But what it does come with the reward of watching our little ones growing up, becoming beautiful men and women.

So hugs to all you beautiful mamas! You're doing a great job. You ARE good enough.

Ultimate Trust

Trust.

When you see that word, what do you think about?

Yesterday I was asking God to help me trust Him with a situation. My husband and I have not gone out to make friends for a couple of years now, literally. We haven't tried, we haven't wanted to. Facebook and Twitter has been the limit to our "friends." We have reasons, ones I don't feel the necessity to go into great detail about. But I'll just say this, we allowed ourselves to trust people and were in turn, broken down by people judging us, shutting us out, turning on us, forgetting us, etc. Before I go further, I do want to say that we understand people are human. People make mistakes, as we do too! But for us, we felt for the time being, we needed to heal, recover, and figure out our priorities.

So we finally found a church we like and might have found a Life Group we could give a try. We haven't been to a Life Group for a while now. So it feels a bit like stepping out onto the water, and into an unknown experience.

When I started thinking about going to a Life Group, my initial reaction was to draw-back and clam up. My human reaction is to run...far, far away and just not give it a chance. But then I prayed. This is what Jesus spoke to me.

"Why don't you just trust Me and let Me guide you? Give it a chance."

Then I felt Him remind me of His death, burial and resurrection. I didn't make the connection immediately. But bear with me while I share what He revealed. You might have already "gotten" this a long time ago, but it really struck home to me yesterday.

When Jesus went to die, he was fully God, yet fully man. The reason he was fully man was because God wanted us to have reassurance that we could live this life on earth and still be pleasing to Him. He allowed Jesus to go through all temptations, and helped Him overcome, so we could see that we also, could go through temptations and overcome. Can you imagine this? Jesus was fully man. So he must've had the same fears we would have if we knew that we were going to die. Fear of pain. Fear of death. Fear of the unknown. Would God really raise Him up from the dead? Why couldn't he just die the way everyone else does?

But He chose to trust his Father. He chose to trust that if God told him He would raise him from the dead, then He would keep His word. He chose to believe in the power of One who was over the whole world and didn't doubt. He knew. He had that confident, deep seeded trust in his Father. May be a weird example, but he had the type of trust you have when you put a pot of water on the stove, turn the heat up on high and leave it for a while. You know when you come back 10-15 minutes later, that water is going to be boiling. That is the type of trust Jesus had when he was nailed to the cross and died. His father promised He would rise again, more alive than ever, in 3 days.

So when I was thinking about making friends and stepping out of my comfort zone, and God reminded me of His death and resurrection, I realized I could trust His guiding. I could trust Him to lead me through anything.

How can you trust God more than to trust Him with your very life? Jesus did it! He laid the ground work. He walked this earth as a man to show us how to trust and how to believe. Stepping out of the boat may take a lot out of you. You may be shaky. You may be scared. But don't be. Jesus stepped out and died for us. He showed His explicit trust in the same God that we serve today. God kept His promises back 2000 years ago. He will keep His promises today, tomorrow and forever.

Raising Daughters

I'm a mom. I have two children right now, and one on the way. Once the newest bundle arrives, I will have two daughters.

The past few weeks, I've been contemplating many things about mothering daughters. It gets a little overwhelming, because, well, I've never raised girls before. :)   This is all new to me. I was raised in a relatively protected environment, for which I am becoming increasingly grateful for, because as I consider all my "options" with how to raise my girls, I wish I could just go to a place where I didn't have to worry about the outside influences that my girls are going to have.

My thoughts on all this began on the night of the VMA awards. We all know about Miley Cyrus' performance and how mortified we were/are over it. Here was this beautiful country girl who used to love the simple life, turned into some sort of "out there" sex object. Miley is 20, I believe and so she's not far away from still being all the teenage girls idol. I, for one, used to love her Disney show, "Hannah Montana." It was clean, silly, funny and for the most part, good. (in my opinion at least.) She has now morphed into a young woman wanting to "be herself" and show the world that it's ok to let all the humanness out. Alright, I'm not all into this "religious" stuff where everyone has to be perfect at all times. The reason being is we are all human and there is just no way we are going to be perfect. We can strive our very best to be just like Jesus, and walk in His steps, but ultimately, when it comes down to it, we are going to fail and our human side is going to come out. But when it comes to just letting ourselves go and not worrying about how our actions are affecting others, or ourselves for that matter, I just don't agree with that.

There are so many things to consider, think about and pray about when it comes to raising children.

My ultimate goal is to raise them to want to love Jesus, to want to follow Him and be pure, holy and set aside as God's servants. Here are a few of the things I've been thinking about:

1. How do I want my girls to dress?
2. When to talk to my girls about the birds and bees?
3. How should I encourage them to have holy, pure relationships with boys?
4. How do I protect them from all the influences of the world, yet not be overly protective?
5. What is "too much" when it comes to encouraging "good behavior"?

Ok, those are just a few that I think about. I'm on a lot of mommy pages on FB and I am constantly reading different questions moms ask, "should I put my daughter on birth control," "should I make my daughter clean her room," "my husband isn't religious, but I am, so should I make my kids go to church" and on and on and on.

Of course, we all have opinions on issues and we should all do what we feel is best for our children. But yesterday, I saw on FB (we've all seen this before, most likely, as it seems to becoming a trend amongst parents) a picture of this young, 13 year old girl holding a sign.

I believe this sign says something like, "I was disrespectful to my parents by twerking at the school dance." (or something like that!!....don't go quoting me...but that is the gist of what was said). We all know that this young girl got the "twerking" dance from Miley Cyrus a few weeks ago. While I understand what this mom was trying to get across to her daughter, I don't feel it is right to humiliate your child. I've seen it happen over and over; a child gets humiliated, then they become more and more withdrawn, stubborn, angry, violent and at times, even suicidal. Humiliation, for me and my children, is just not the way to raise them. But what is sad is that this girl probably thought she was "cool" and most likely was trying to be in the "in crowd" since everyone (literally millions) is talking about Miley Cryus' twerking dance. If she did it, then she'd be popular, just like Miley, right? What is so wrong with that? What is wrong with having a role model to look up to?

My first response was, "well, that mom just shouldn't have let her daughter view what Miley had done." Then my thoughts went a little deeper. Can we really protect our children from things like this? This world is nuts. And impure influences are everywhere. If we send our children to school, they're going to get it there. If we take them to the store, they're going to see it on the magazine racks and in the aisles. If we take them to the zoo, they're going to see women dressed scantily and if we take them to a waterpark, they're going to see a lot more than we ever wish. Can we honestly protect them from that, without causing them to be overly protected? Maybe that mom could have sat down with her daughter, immediately after Miley's performance and talked with her about the dance. Maybe she could have told her daughter why she feels it wasn't clean, wholesome, pure and then back it up with scripture. Maybe she could find her daughter role models that are good to look up to and be like and then show her the difference. 

You can't make your child's choices for them. But leading them in the right way, and showing them the reason for those good choices will influence their hearts and minds. When they see that "twerking" dance, instead of wanting to be like that, their hearts will go out to the person doing it and want to pray for them. Their hearts will be to show their friends it's ok to not follow the mainstream and that it's actually cool to do so! 

I know I sorta bounced around with a lot of different things here...hopefully I didn't completely confuse you, or loose you in the rabbit trails of my thoughts. 

Blessings~

Remind Yourself of His Faithfulness

Have you ever been in the middle of a situation where you feel that God isn't listening, or that He doesn't care, or that He's abandoned you?

We all have times in our lives that we go through something that is stressful, hurtful, scary, etc. I was sharing with a friend the other day some of the events of our year and as I spoke about them, I suddenly realized how time after time, even tho I was recounting events that were extremely stressful at the time, I was also recounting time after time of God's faithfulness and Him bringing us through them.

One specific time stood out to me, as unusual as it may seem. My son broke his leg earlier this year by "supermanning" himself off the stop of our couch and landing with a thud on his femur, snapping it into two. Of course, we spent some time at the hospital and that night, instead of sending us home, they decided to keep him overnight for observation and to teach us how to take care of his cast. My husband decided to stay there with him and let me go home with our daughter. As I was driving home, my old van started to overheat. The needle kept inching its way up until it was a hairline away from the bright red mark. I was in a very bad area of town, at 2 am with my little baby daughter in the backseat.

I began to pray as I saw the needle inching its way up, but once it reached that red mark, I said, "God, I need You to send an Angel here, now, to blow on this engine, because I'm not stopping here. You know how dangerous it is here and if I stop, we'll be in great danger. I'm believing in You and I know You want me to make it home safe."

Sure enough, as I prayed, the needle started going down and I was able to make it home safely. Each time the needle went up, I would pray and it would go back down, immediately.

As I shared this story with my friend, she commented, "I really like how you just told God what you needed and knew He would take care of you."

It dawned on me that I really did believe He would help me and I didn't doubt His goodness in the middle of the struggle. I never realized that at the time. And since then, I have gone through several other times where the stress has become overwhelming and when I'd pray, peace would overcome me. As I look back and see times that the peace didn't overcome me, I realize that I didn't believe in Him. I didn't trust Him to carry me fully through that situation.

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned, and when we're in the middle of the struggle, it's good to remind ourselves of the times we know God carried us through. It'll remind us that whatever we're going through right now is also known by God and He will take care of us. And if you go through times when you're so stressed you find yourself questioning God and His faithfulness, sit down and close your eyes. Think back to the times you know He was faithful. Write them down. Recount them to a friend.

Something I am going to do, and suggest to you too, is to have a "Remember His Faithfulness" jar. Write down on small pieces of paper things God has done for you. Then fold them up nicely, drop them in the jar and when you feel down, discouraged and defeated, pull out a piece of paper and read it. It'll encourage you. It'll remind you that He never, ever, ever fails!

Using Prayer as Your Weapon

Yesterday I took some time to go to the poolside and read a book. One of my favorite series is Frank Peretti's "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness."  (PS. I am not endorsing all the things in that book, nor any of his other books, but I do find those particular two very challenging to my faith and encouraging.)

As I read a chapter in Piercing the Darkness, I found myself reading with a new perspective. The chapter I was reading was talking about a father whose wife had passed away and he had prayed over a little girl who he believed had demons influencing her actions and words in school. (He was a school teacher at a Christian school). Later on, the mother of the girl found out about it, took it as abuse and turned him in. Subsequently, his two children were removed from his home and were placed in foster care by CPS. During his legal battle with this situation, he ran into several forces against him. Demonic forces. Forces that were hard to reckon with; actually impossible to reckon with, except for the power of prayer. As time went on, he realized when his prayer life slipped, the battle began to be lost. This wasn't simple prayer, like just praying a small, "Lord, please help me today and help my children to get to come back to me soon." The type of prayer this took was a literal battle.

This part in the book struck really close to home as I have had CPS investigate my home and my children and myself, when my 2 1/2 year old son broke his leg. My son was just being a boy and did what I like to call "Supermanned" himself off the very top of our couch onto the floor. He landed just right, where it snapped his femur in two. We called 911 and they came to transfer him to the nearest hospital where police and CPS were waiting for us. I was completely taken back, because I love my kids. I had no clue his broken bone was going to lead us down this path. Later, we found out it was just protocol for a hospital to call CPS and police if a child has a broken bone and they're under the age of 5 years old. We got transferred to a Children's Hospital that specialized in setting children's broken bones and the doctors and nurses were very reassuring to us, while CPS swarmed around us, hounded us with questions and grilled us with confusing paperwork, etc. The mother in me was screaming inside, "I'm a good mom! I never intended on this happening! Why am I being called out for abuse when I have never laid a hand on my children!" Oh the heartache!

While we were in the hospital with our son, we saw two other small children under the age of 4 come in with the same type of break. That was somewhat relieving to know that our child wasn't a rare case! The doctor told us that a child can break a femur by just twisting the ankle "just right" or shall we say "just wrong" and fall and it could cause the bone to break. Scary!

I say all this to come back to prayer.

I found myself praying non-stop, literally battling in prayer, asking, begging, pleading with God to help us. As CPS continued to talk to us, I could see some concerns, and I could see some relief. It varied from moment to moment. I knew several other people were battling in prayer with us, and I knew that we needed every single prayer and kept asking people to keep praying.

Sometimes it takes a desperate situation to realize that prayer is really our biggest weapon against the enemy. Prayer can be tiring! At least I found it was, while I was in the middle of this battle. I was already tired from the emotional stress of the whole ordeal, people constantly talking to me, asking me questions, my little man just crying in pain, my daughter being fussy, driving late at night and getting lost in a not so good area of town, etc, etc, etc. When did I have time to pray? But I found that prayer was my best friend. I felt calm, collected, clear minded when I prayed. I felt the forces against us moving back the more I prayed. It was a challenge! But it was worth it. Totally worth it.

So when you find yourself in that desperate situation, realize; hey, I've got forces out against me. But I have so many other forces here WITH me. Be willing to fight. Pray. Pray. Pray. Never stop praying. Give 100% and thensome. And just don't stop.

I like to imagine it like this...There is the black side, just rumbling, tumbling, boiling with demons, all trying to grab at me, speak words of discouragement and fear into my heart. They're all waiting for a chance to get at me, hurt me, accuse me, destroy me, and pull me into their black, despairing hole. Then I see myself, with the beautiful, strong angels standing next to me, and Jesus looking down, smiling, whispering words of peace, love, joy, hope, LIFE, and encouragement. When I start to give in to listening to the black side, they start advancing on me...coming closer and closer, tearing at my heart and mind. But as soon as I start praying, there is an invisible wall that is built up around me, and they can only come so close and bounce off that wall, like a ball bounces when you throw it.

Prayer is a powerful, powerful weapon; it's a gift Jesus has given us. So take advantage of it. Embrace prayer. It'll change your life and keep you safe.

Take Time for Yourself

How many times do we sit down to write out a "to-do" list? How many times to we make mental "to-do" lists?

Probably hundreds of times!

We, as women, are so often in the mode of taking care of others and practically forgetting about ourselves. Then at the end of the day, we're exhausted, tired, and just want to fall into bed...just to do it all over again the next day. We rarely sit down to think about what we need, what we want and how to squish ourselves into our daily lives.

I know, this sounds selfish. At least for me it does! I grew up believing that I should always, always put others first and if I had time for myself, then I could do something, but I should also consider all the other things I could be doing for friends or family. And I'd send myself on guilt trips for all the things I could have done, if I chose to sit down and enjoy a book, or sew something for myself, etc.

Being a servant for others is great! It's what Jesus commands us to do, and it's what we really are here on earth for. Our focus should be on loving others, serving them, whether it's within our own homes, or out of the home. If you work, the focus should be on your customers and co-workers around you. Make sure they get to take their breaks, and feel loved. If you're a stay-at-home mom, then your focus should be on keeping a clean house, loving on your kids, and doing things to make your husband feel welcomed when he is home.

But there does come a time where you need to take some time for yourself. Jesus did that! He took 40 days out in the desert to sleep and eat, and pray. It's very important to know the difference between being selfish with "your time" and needing "your time."

I found all  this out earlier this week. I am a person to go and go and go...and go. For the past few years of my life, even before I was married, I never really figured out how to take time for myself. I always felt like I was being selfish when I'd say no to someone needing help, or not accomplish that pile of laundry, or left the dishes in the sink, or didn't dust those shelves, or didn't take a meal to that person, etc, etc. But earlier this week, I had what I'd call my first mental breakdown. I got so stressed, overwhelmed, tired and frustrated that I told my hubby I was going out and just walked out of the house. I took my phone with me and found myself wandering out by the pool/veranda area. It was beautiful! Flowers were everywhere, the breeze was perfect, even tho it was quite warm outside. It was quiet. There wasn't a soul in sight. I sat down on a chair and just allowed my eyes to drift around and take in the beauty around me. I pulled my phone out and played a game, then I pulled up the Kindle app on my phone and started reading one of my favorite books. Hour after hour passed. With each hour, I felt a renewed sense within my being. I soaked in the sun. I felt the stress leaving my body. The tension drained out like the tide going out to sea. It felt reallyyyyyy good. It felt like I'd gone on a mini vacation.

 After reading for a little while, I recline the chair back, stretched my legs out and closed my eyes and prayed. I told God all my problems, fears and doubts. I even told Him I felt bad for leaving my hubby in the house alone with the kids so I could take time for myself. Even with all the relaxation, I still had a shred of guilt weighing me down for being so "selfish" for taking time for myself.

But then His quiet Voice reassured me that I was doing the right thing. He reminded me about His time in the desert and how even He needed time alone, to rest and pray. He reminded me of how He came to earth to leave us an example. He didn't live on earth just to preform miracles and serve people. He came to earth to show us an acceptable and perfect way to live our lives.

When I heard His reassuring Voice, reminding me of all that, I felt the last bit of guilt wash away.

So I am saying all this to remind you: take time for yourself. You can't live to the full potential unless you take some time to renew your mind, refresh your soul and even do something to bless yourself. It's good and fine to do that. Once you get into the habit of taking time for yourself, it might be tempting to do it wayyy more often than you should! But don't let that deter you from taking time for yourself! Serve your family, take care of your responsibilities, but also take that time to be alone and relax.

Beauty in Modesty

Yesterday, my family and I decided to go to the pool. I have several swim outfits I've accumulated over the last few years. 

I was raised to be modest. Growing up, I wore a neck to ankles dress, shorts underneath and well, it'll suffice to say, we were fully covered. I'm not complaining; simply explaining how I was raised. In fact, no matter the struggles and confusion I have had after leaving the community I was raised in, I am still very thankful that my parents did what they thought, at the time, was best. (Later on, they realized it wasn't the best place for me, or them, so they left, me following close behind). Because of my time there, I learned more about crafts, community and how to serve, something that I could never have learned anywhere else.

Anyways, I also learned about modesty. It's been a cause of great struggle and admittedly, a cause of rebellion once I left. I didn't know what I believed, how I felt about modesty or how I should dress. I went through a time where I was fascinated with lower cut shirts, bikinis, etc. 

But as I went to put on my swim outfits, I'd look at myself in the mirror with my bikinis on and felt horrible. I dug around my drawers and found the modest swim skirt my mom gave me and then I found a tankini that a lady gave me that is maternity (I'm pregnant!). So I put it on. The colors weren't "my colors" but you know what? I felt beautiful! I felt good. I felt free. 

My husband saw me and grinned ear to ear. He even told me I was beautiful. 

Being modest in our dress can give us a sense of freedom, and be beautiful in that freedom. 

Modest is Hottest!!!

Your Past Does Not Disqualify You

I have never come out right and said this, because honestly, I've been ashamed, frustrated and even angry at myself for my past. But this past week, something someone said to me made me feel free to share this in a more public way.

I got pregnant before I was married.

There, it's out. Judge me, hate me, damn me to hell. But hear me out. :)

I left a community that was quite controlling and hurtful, and when I left, my perspective of God was very messed up. To me, he was controlling, he sent everyone to hell, unless they were perfect, etc, etc. After I left, I went to a Bible college and had some very good experiences. But several things started getting in the way of my discovering who God really is. I would get confused by all the different speakers coming in to "guest speak" and their different ideas on what a real Christian is supposed to be like. I found myself getting angrier and angrier at people and at God. Why couldn't someone just TELL me who God is, and leave it at that, instead of giving their ideas and thoughts on the matter?!

So I left the college with my boyfriend who was also confused, hurt and struggling with the whole "Who is God" thing. After we left, we drew closer, and our hearts were hurting for love. We just wanted acceptance. And where did we find that? We found it in intimacy with each other. That intimacy resulted in pregnancy.

I have been ashamed of myself since that day. I hid my pregnancy, I didn't want to tell people. And for the most part, baring the rare, sweet few, I was judged and shunned. Even hated.

Then the other day, I was speaking with a leader in our church and I told her our story. I was hesitant, worried she was going to discount me and judge me. Her words surprised me and made me feel happy! She said, "Oh, that's normal. Not that it's what God wants, but it's normal. We have many men and women who are leaders in this church who did the same exact thing. Your past sin does not disqualify you from the calling God has on your life. God will use those issues in your life to help others."

What healing, exciting, comforting, exhilarating words!

Be encouraged! your past does not dictate to you who you are now, or what your future holds. It does not dictate how much God loves you. Let your past push you forward to encourage others, love others, accept others. Let God use your past for your good and others good. Your past does not disqualify you from His anointing, or His blessings!

Facing Our Fears

The past two days have been overly stressful, but beyond beautiful.

Numerous things have happened, and I've felt like a ping-pong ball just bouncing back and forth between two hard places, and never finding a resting place. My heart was constantly on "high" and my spirit just couldn't rest. Between spending a night in Labor and Delivery with my 3rd pregnancy, experiencing excruciating pain, and not finding out what the problem was, to some more unexpected crunches, financially, I just was stretched as thin as it comes emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I found my attitude getting worse and worse. I couldn't control my emotions, I felt unable to hold in my frustration. And my past came tumbling into my mind faster and faster until I felt suffocated by it. Then I became discouraged with that, because I thought I was "over that" and "moved on." Well, at least with those particular memories. Instead, I discovered I had been pushing them behind, and refusing to think about them, and all along, that's just what it was. I hadn't really left behind those feelings and thoughts. They were just pushed below the surface so deep, I didn't realize the anger was still there.

So yesterday, I was sitting with a couple of beautiful, sweet hearted ladies, and they were just wanting to talk to me about something. I found myself getting like a volcano. Everything that came out of their mouths seemed to attack me. (When in all reality, it was just my perception of them that was scewed by my own anger and frustration from my past.) I remember thinking, "I just can't do this anymore and wanted to bolt from the room. But thankfully, my hubby was there, and reassured me that everything really was ok, and just listen. (Anyone that knows me, knows that I don't shut my mouth as often as I should. I speak before I think...something I am REALLY working hard at changing. But I'm nowhere near being perfect yet. There's grace for being human, right?)

Once I stopped to hear what they had to say, I found out that everything I thought they were saying was just to clear up some misunderstandings, and that they were ultimately wanting to bless us in a way that was beyond our dreams or expectations.

Of course, I then sat in shame, and starting bawling like a little girl. How could God love me and accept me even when my perspective of Him and His people was so messed up? 

I felt God speaking to me that the reason He could love me is because His pespective of ME is that He created me, that I am His child, and that tho I may get lost along the way, He is still right there to pick me up, and carry me back to safety. It amazes me the love He has for us, for me! He reaches down into our lowly place and brings us up to His holy place. He carries us when we're weak and loves on us even tho we don't deserve it.

This is a quote I saw right after my "break down" and finally let a little crack open to allow love to flow in.

It's time to get back up & keep pressing on. Just because you stumbled or fell over doesn't mean you're disqualified. It means you're human. Christine Caine

We don't have to stay in our lowly place. We just need to realize we are human. We make mistakes. We judge wrongly. Our failures do not disqualify us from God's love. He'll love us through thick and thin. 

So keep pressing on. Don't let your fears hold you back. Don't let your imperfections cause you to feel disqualified from the calling God has on your life. Because God uses us humans to move His kingdom forward.

Christian vs. Following Jesus

A lot has been going on in our lives lately; a job change and one unexpected expense. I don't normally talk about this, because it's our personal life, but I want to share just a little bit, because it plays a part in what I really want to talk about.

For the past 4 years or so of my life, I've struggled with "Christianity." I have run into a lot of people who claim to be Christian, then lie to me, lie about me, are rude, unkind, judgmental, etc.

So during this change in our lives with jobs and an unexpected pregnancy, we needed a little bit of help during the change. So we contacted a church to see if we could get some help. They were more than willing to help, but as time went on, things started getting out of hand. Though we only asked for help once, the judging began. Words spewed about how my hubby must be lazy, that I was a bad mom, that I should give my baby up for adoption, that we were irresponsible, etc. None of which were or are true. Just because we needed a little help financially for one month doesn't make us lazy or bad parents! And all this was coming from a benevolence team with a church.

Now maybe it's my fragile state of mine with my pregnancy, the change of jobs and financial issues and my past with "Christians," that is causing me to be so extremely sensitive to this. I have a choice; to forgive, love, accept and move on, or I can be angry, frustrated, even vengeful. Right now, to be honest, I'm in between the two. I'm struggling. I feel pulled to the wrong side, and my human nature wants to say, "I'm justified in the way I feel. These people are being mean. They're rude. They're judging me and my family wrongly." But the Jesus in me says, "Just love. Just forgive. Just let Me deal with this." My human side wants to send an email to these people and let them have it. The Jesus side of me wants to send a Thank you card for all the help we have received and just be thankful.  Oh the war within!

I have run into many people who have been completely turned away from Christians and the church for things similar to this. Why is that? Why is the church so judgmental? Where are the people trying to be like Jesus? And I mean the ones who are really striving to be like Him, not just attending church on Sunday's and praying a prayer over their meals every day. It's really bad when time after time you run into people unsure of how to respond to Christians, be around them and some of them just downright don't want anything to do with them. I'll be honest. Some of the nicest, most accepting and giving people are those who say they're not Christians. Some of them are even Atheists.

When people ask me if I'm a Christian, I normally respond with a "No." But I quickly follow that with, "I just try to follow Jesus. I try to do what He wants of me. I fail. I make mistakes. I'm human. But I try my best and when I fail, I ask for forgiveness and move on!"

Jesus wants us to respond in love to others. It's sometimes hard. It's not always roses and chocolate to be a Jesus follower. With those roses, there are thorns. With the chocolate, there might be some bitterness. But what counts is that we allow the roughness to help polish our weak spots and to help us shine brighter so people can see Jesus.

Finding Safety

The other night, I was laying in bed, just thinking. It was one of those sleepless nights with the kids, so I had decided to just read, relax and think. At one point during the night, a shadow passed by my bedroom window and it sorta startled me. We do have a sidewalk right next to our home, but since I'm normally asleep at night, I don't think to pay attention to anyone walking by.

When the shadow passed by, I found myself sitting up quickly, trying to make sure someone wasn't lurking. I didn't see anything, so I laid back down. But it sorta got my heart racing. I'm not one to scare easily, but for some reason, that shadow just...didn't settle right with me. Finally, after about 20 minutes of not being able to push this sense of agitation aside, I got up and peeked outside. Of course, nothing was there. It was probably just someone who was walking by to do laundry, or even go to their own home.

But it got me thinking. Sometimes in life, we see these shadows, whether they're real or not, and we end up sitting there, in fear. Then sometimes we find it in ourselves to get up and peek at what that shadow might be. Sometimes there is a real "danger" and sometimes it's just nothing.

God wants us to learn to trust Him. Because do you know the reason there is a shadow? Because a light is shining behind it.... HIM. He sees the shadow in our lives. But He is in control. He is our protector. He takes care of us and if we trust in Him, we can run through that shadow without fear and into His welcoming, warm arms.

Be Thankful

How many of us have struggles in our every day life? I'm sure if I asked that question in a roomful of people, every single person would raise their hand.

Let's face it. Life isn't easy. There are hard knocks on all fronts; family, finances, relationships, jobs, friends, car wrecks, parent loss, and in general, it could be something as simple and silly as the grocery store not having our favorite yogurt in stock.

But something I'm learning is to move on from the hard knocks, to forget about how awful or bad I feel from the things that come and are coming into my life. There is always something to think positive on, be thankful for, and love. We all know how it is to have that one (or two) negative people on our FaceBook or Twitter that just never has anything positive to say. It's always complain, fuss, complain, fuss and don't you just want to delete them, or block their posts? Alright, I know I'm NOT one to be talking here, because I've been known to be Negative Nelly. But I'm changing that. And it's because I've learned that I loose friends, family and respect, plus I loose joy and fulfillment in my life, by just being negative.

It's not been easy at times to find the positive. Some days everything just goes wrong: the kids wake up all soaked in their beds, the trash is overflowing, the toilet overflows, the AC breaks, we don't have quite enough to pay this one bill, a finger nail rips, etc, etc, etc. And often times on those days, I have to sit and think, "What am I going to say that is positive? What will help uplift someone else?" And of course, I'm also thinking, "I wish someone would just post something that would encourage me!" Then I realize, Hey, it's not someone else that is going to make my day brighter, tho their choice of words can brighten my day. It's MY choices and thoughts that are going to bring happiness to my heart and life. I am the one in control of my happiness!

So even tho the whole day is going wrong, I can still find something to be happy about. My kids, the blue sky, (or the rain, if it's raining), the food I am blessed with, a roof over my head, my husband, my parents, the flowers, the grass, my car, my parakeet, that I have AC, running water, a nice church, etc, etc, etc. I know a lot of times, for me, when life gets overwhelming, it's sometimes hard to remember what all I'm really blessed with. But once I starting training myself to look for the good, then I learned to remind myself of all the blessings in my life.

So be thankful. If you don't have something in your life that you want, and it's out of your reach or ability to get, then stop pining away over it. Stop talking about. Stop thinking about it. Look at what you DO have and be thankful for that! There is always, always, always something to be thankful for!!! Always.

From Mundane to Extraordinary

Have you ever seen a butterfly? Ever marveled at it's beauty? Have you considered where a butterfly came from originally?

It came from a caterpillar. Then it wrapped itself up into a cocoon. Then it broke out of it's "shell" and unraveled it's wings, revealing a beautiful butterfly.

The caterpillar itself really isn't all that beautiful. (Mind you, some of them are pretty artsy, like the one pictured above, but not all of them are).

Here is a quick synopsis of how it works: (you'll understand why I'm telling you all this in a minute).

The adult butterfly lays several eggs which hatch in about 5-7 days. The baby caterpillars eat like crazy during the next few weeks. During this time, because they're growing so quickly, they shed their skin several times. Then their body starts changing. Some even begin to show signs of the butterfly they will become, on their bodies.  They will then find a branch to hang their bodies upside down from, attach themselves and begin becoming what they call a Chrysalis. Once it is fully formed, it will shake around and rid itself of the last piece of skin from the caterpillar. It will be still for a while after that. While inside the chrysalis, major things are going on! The caterpillar's body is being  disassembled and reconstructed into the adult butterfly! The butterfly, once fully formed, will release a hormone that softens the shell  and the butterfly will push it's way out. Even then, the butterfly's wings are crumbled and have no fluid in them. They will sit for several hours while their wings are filled with fluid and then they will be ready to fly.

It's the same with us. We often start out as ugly little creatures, able to just inch along the ground, eating and eating, gaining knowledge and wisdom. Then we get even uglier while we just sit there waiting for God to transform our lives. Then we're born...yet often we're not ready to fly. We gain more knowledge and life giving breaths are breathed into our lungs. Then we're able to fly! We're able to go soooo many more places than we could have ever dreamed or imagined when we were just a caterpillar. Now we have wings! We can reach so many more people.

But there is a time and place for each process. We need to be thankful for the time God has us in right now. While it may not be where we want to be, it's preparing us for what is ahead. God has plans for us, but we need to trust His process. His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts. He knows exactly what we need and when. It's our duty to just trust Him, follow His lead and allow Him to transform our lives when He sees fit. Don't rush into something, just because you know God has laid something on your heart. Sometimes preparation needs to take place. Sometimes training needs to happen. And sometimes, we just need to sit a while while He completely tears us down and rebuilds us, because that is the only way we will become beautiful, able to be used by Him.

See Yourself as Beautiful

God thinks you're beautiful. He doesn't just think you are, he knows you are. You want to know why? Because He created you. He formed you in His hands...each cell, each hair, every single part of you, He created.

God never creates something that is ugle, imperfect, or disgusting.

In this day and age, women walk around in this, "Barbie-styled" world. The idea that is pushed on women is to be skinny (anorexic really), make-up marred face and to have a look that isn't really them. Everything has to be fake. Before I give the wrong impression; I'm not against wearing make-up, being stylish, or even wanting to have an outfit that you saw in a magazine. But I wish women and girls would realize that they can be themselves with make-up, being stylish and wearing that outfit they saw.

But another thing that I see often times, not only in others, but quite often in myself, is how I want to "impress" people, because I feel like they won't accept me if I'm not "up to par" or "dressed to their standards." It's called peer pressure. Yes, even women of my age, with 2 kids and one on the way fall under the influence of peer pressure. I honestly think it's something people deal with their whole life, unless they can master this: If they can master the thought that they are beautiful. They are accepted. They are loved. They don't have to do anything to win any approval from God. God accepts them for who they are.

I have people in my life that I run into occasionally that sorta "shame" me, because they're so nicely dressed, so skinny, so....beautiful. When I run into these people, I'm always smoothing my shirt out, wishing I'd remembered to shave my legs, and wishing I'd dashed a little bit of make-up on. I don't know if they notice that I'm not "up to par" but I feel scrutinized. I feel like they look down on me because I'm not rich like they are.

But the other day, when I ran into these people, I was in a stained shirt, wrinkled denim shorts that had stains on them, my hair was a gigantic mess and I felt completely disheveled. I felt like crying. But then as I was standing there trying to focus on them, instead of how horrible I felt about myself, I looked up to see a sign on the wall, "You ARE Beautiful."

Wow. Timely word, right?

I paused, gathered myself and actually soaked in the comfort of those words. I finished my short conversation with these people and was able to go my own way. As I walked along, I felt God's comforting voice show me who I really am, and what really matters about me. He told me HE didn't care about the stains on my clothes, or how my hair was like a huge frizz ball from the rain. He told me HE didn't care that I was a bit disheveled. He just reminded me that I am a mom, a wife, and that He had created me. He reminded me that image meant nothing. He reminded me that HE created my hair...didn't He know that it would get to be a huge fizz  ball in the rain and humidity? Yes. He knew...and He thinks it's beautiful. He thinks that my freckles are beautiful. He knew I'd gain weight with my two kids and wasn't going to be a skinny rake. He likes it. He created my babies, and He created me to be curvy. He thinks that is beautiful.

So why is that us as women think less of ourselves? Why don't we start looking at ourselves through God's eyes and not worry about what others think of us. I want to get a bracelet that says, "God made me beautiful." Don't down yourself for being you. Be thankful that you are created by the most Awesome God who took time to knit you in your mothers' womb. He didn't rush to make you. He takes a full 9 months (or as some women like to say, 10 months in all reality) to create you. He takes His time to create every aspect of your body. So embrace it. Love it. Take care of it. Be thankful for it.

See yourself as Beautiful!

Pick Up Your Sword and Fight

I got a really encouraging email from my dad encouraging me through some very complicated issues in my life. I wrote an email back to him and this is what I wrote. I felt really encouraged after reading what he wrote and this is my response. I felt like God spoke to me while writing him, and thought what God spoke to me might encourage someone else too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pops,

I do remember you talking about the magic wands, but you know what? It's probably good you don't have one. It's because we go through rough times that help us grow stronger.

Through everything with Homestead, getting preggy, the military, job loss, financial issues, church issues, family problems etc, we're learning how to be better people. We're learning how to love, be considerate, thoughtful, and gracious with people. It's taught us to think, instead of judge so much. To ask questions, instead of assume things about people. We know how it feels to be hurt, lied about, have no money, wrongful job loss, needing help, family rejection, etc. It's good. It's not been comfy to have all this happen. Far from it. But it's taught me a lot to listen to people, hear them out, know their side, to be forgiving, and loving.

Am I perfect? Nope. Don't even try to be. I know I'm human. I know I fail. What I do try is to be my best and when I see I've failed, or someone shows me I've failed, then I make it right.

But ALL of this is teaching me to know what a true friend is and what Jesus wants from me.

Life will get better. We're praying a lot. It's drawn us closer to Him, each other (not that we don't have our moments...we do), and it's just teaching us a lot about ourselves and other people.

Randy Weiss posted this this morning, "Tough day? Wanna scream? Don't! Take a moment. Try prayer. It works in silence and won't freak out folks you are supposed to love. Milk shakes are also nice."   I think the devil is playing around with God's people right now. There are a LOT of posts on FB about issues, drama and a whole host of other things where people are running into obstacles and struggles in their life. It just goes to show that God has something REALLY good just around the corner and the devil knows it. The devil knows that Paul and I are supposed to be used by God. He wants to stop it. It wants to ruin our faith in Him. Instead, it's just making us stronger in God and causing us to fight even harder. Which in turn makes the devil fight even harder through avenues he knows bothers us, gets us down and discourages us. We can choose to wallow in that, let him win, or we can get up and fight. We're choosing to fight. If we know God is for us, and we really know that deep down inside, so much so that we fully believe it...then why wouldn't we choose to fight? It would be silly to not fight. Because we have the biggest, best, most awesome God on our side and nothing can stand against us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Be encouraged! Don't ever stop fighting. You DO have God on your side. Close your ears to what the devil screams to you and listen to the soft, every comforting voice of Jesus.

Nights Like These

Ever had a night where so much weighs on your mind, you can't sleep?

I am having one of those right now, so don't worry if you do...you're not alone. Tonight is a night where I have a lot on my mind. Too many things happened today, or yesterday to be exact, since it's 3 something in the morning now.

It's not bad to admit you're human, but our natural nature doesn't want to admit that, because it ruins our pride, our image, and what we think others will think of us. But something I've found is that when I admit I'm wrong, I find a sense of freedom to be me, and to love others, because I can realize that they're human too.

This past week, it came to my attention from a former friend who attended the same church I did growing up, that a newspaper article had printed a "quote" I supposedly said that was hurtful to my ex-church. I was somewhat aware of the wrongness of the quote for the past year or so, but didn't realize the severity of it, since I'd only scanned the article once before. I didn't really read what I was quoted on, because the rest of the article so infuriated me to all the lies and gossip flying around about my old church.

It really frustrated me, when I went to read the article with more attention to detail. I ended up contacting the editor of the newspaper about it and am still in a verbal/written "fight" about it. What they quoted me as saying was a mix/mash of what was really said.

Then tonight, my husband came home from talking with someone and informed me that it was still believed I was going around bashing another family. I've been making it my goal to be as nice, kind, cordial and honest with this family and to have lies again told to them, hurt beyond words.

Maybe it's because I'm an emotional wreck with this pregnancy. Maybe it's because we've been under extreme stress for quite a few weeks now and all this jumbled up together has been over the top for me. I called my Mom earlier this evening to talk with her about it all, and ended up bawling for a long time, just trying to relieve some of the stress.

I know this all sounds like a HUGE pity party, and maybe I am having a bit of one. I'd admit it. I was upset, angry, distraught, hurt, shattered, frustrated, and felt stomped on and left for the birds.

But what matters the most is that I am trying to get back up from my massive meltdown. I might be really honest with this blog, but I do it in hopes that people can realize they're not alone in their human-ness. It's not a bad thing to be human. What makes it bad is if you choose to allow the human side of you take over your life and rule you. In all honesty, I wanted to just yell and scream earlier. I may have actually done a bit of that too (shamed face, eyes down to the ground). I hate being accused of wrong things. Especially when I know 100% that I am in the right.

What came to mind earlier was Jesus. Jesus was accused wrongly. He was crucified for it. He DIED. People screamed for his death. Yet He took it all quietly, without a word in His defense. That's right. No defense whatsoever. He allowed people to believe that they wanted. He said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay." He knows what is right and what is wrong. He is the One who will bring justice to all wrongs.

So me wanting justice, and the truth to be known was just my humanity showing. As I sat here tonight, trying to figure out how justice could be done, how my side of the story could be told (after several huge failures on my part to be like Jesus), I came to realize I need to just rest in Him. It didn't matter what people believe about me. It doesn't matter what others say about me. Jesus knows the truth. And that is all that really matters.

Jesus cares about us. He wants to listen to us. We don't have to worry about coming to Him with too petty of things, or coming to Him with things we feel are stupid, wrong, or just plain silly. I know I felt pretty silly telling Him how mad I was and how I felt vengeful and deep seeded anger. When I was praying, I thought, "He's probably sitting there just rolling His eyes, because He just wants me to be perfect and not be angry." Then I had to remind myself of what He said. "Be angry, but sin not." "Do not let the sun go down on your anger..."

So by those words alone, I felt comfort in the fact that He realized we're human. He knew we'd get angry. He just admonished us to not sin in our anger. And then He encouraged us to be grown-up and not stay in our pity party by not going to bed angry. Isn't God great? He realize our humanity. He has no problem with us being human and making mistakes. He made a way out and it feels so good to just relax and not have to be perfect.

I hope all this makes sense. I know I ramble a lot. Another side of my humanity maybe? I do love to talk. Haha. Ooops. I'm pretty sure there is some scripture somewhere that talks about not being loquacious. Maybe that's the next thing I need to work on? :)

Be of good cheer folks! God is faithful. He loves us. He loves us even with all our faults and petty problems.

Good night!

Responding to Loss

Over my life's experiences, I've had my share of hurts. Who hasn't?

There are many things that hurt in life. We loose friends, family, jobs, money, etc. But there is one subject I want to touch on, because I've seen this happen over and over again, not only to me, but to many other women.

The Loss of a Baby

(Before you worry, I am still pregnant with a healthy little baby)

I have experienced loss twice. I haven't told too many people, because it's not something I just go around talking about. I have my reasons for not talking about it and I'll go into that in a bit.

When I got pregnant with my first baby, I started to bleed around 12-13 weeks. I went to the ER with pain, cramping and feeling really ill. When they detected a heartbeat, they sent us into an ultrasound to get more of an educated idea on why I was bleeding. The doctor was rough, rude and just plain business like; no sense of gentleness or heart.

As he was scanning my tummy, he matter of factly said, "There is the healthy baby, and there is the sack from the other baby...but the baby isn't there anymore. You had twins. But you don't now." And he just grabbed his papers, told me to "sit tight" and left the room. I was left in there with my husband to just "sit tight" and mull over what he had just told me. They gave me papers on how to deal with miscarriage and how to deal with a "threatened miscarriage" for the other baby. I was in shock. I don't think I even cried for a long time. There is never a right way to find out that you had twins, but don't now and that you could have another miscarriage for the other little life inside you.

I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I told very few friends that I had miscarried a twin. And most people would just look at me like "Ohhhh" and never really say much. I never could figure out why.

My twins brother went on to be born, beautifully handsome and healthy. I was thrilled to have him in my life. But 5 months after he was born, it happened all over again. My husband was active duty US Navy and the day it happened, he had duty. When a person has duty in the military, it's a 24 hour period they have to stay at their job to do watch, work, etc. I woke up at 5 am, took my husband to work and returned home, cuddled into bed, knowing the day ahead was going to be long and lonely. I always missed my hubby on duty days. (Who doesn't? lol). I woke up around 8 am when my 5 month old son woke up. I realized I was in horrible pain. I figured it was just a bad monthly coming on since I knew I was late. But I hadn't had regular monthlies since having my son. So it wasn't unusual to me. Then later on that afternoon, the gush happened. And it just kept gushing. No stop in the flow, or less.
I struggled to get my son ready to go and called my husband's ship to tell them to get a message to my husband that I was headed to the ER. I was loosing way too much blood. I was hoping my husband could meet me there, but since he had duty, they wouldn't let him off.

After getting into the hospital, got checked in and they took blood, the nurse came out to me and told me she needed to talk to me. She said my blood had traces of HCG (the hormone that helps sustain the baby) but that the levels were extremely low. She asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I just sat in shock. It was happening again. I was hundreds of miles from my parents, my husband was at work, and I pretty much had no friends near by at the time. She said they wanted to do an ultrasound to check to see if there was any other baby in there, since this had happened once before. I called my husband to let him know what was going on while they prepared the ultrasound.

Again, the doctors (3 of them this time) just bluntly told me I had lost a baby and walked out of the room after preforming the ultrasound. After that, my husband arrived to be with me. (Thankfully his duty leader let him off to come be with me since I'd had a confirmed miscarriage). We just cried. We didn't really tell anyone, not even our parents until much, much later. I was scared of people's response. I didn't want people to lessen what I'd gone through like they did last time.

What hurt the most is when we decided to tell someone close, or someone we thought should have been close, they did exactly what I dreaded, and why I didn't want to tell anyone. They told us it was impossible to get pregnant that fast after having a baby and that I was just wrong. They never said they were sorry, or felt for us, or anything.

I'm telling my story, because I hear women being hurt like this all the time. People not knowing what to say, how to respond to a loss like this, or making light of the situation just compounds the situation and make it worse.

Can I just say this?

When you find out a person has experienced a loss, especially with a baby, don't make light of it. Whether they tell you on the phone, through a text or an email, respond with love, care and concern. I decided to text a couple of people about it because I really didn't want to put them in a place of having to come up with something to say right then and there. But what happened instead is they never responded at all. Nothing.

That hurts. It feels like they either didn't believe me, or just didn't care. Don't do that to people. Be nice, be caring, be loving, be concerned. Remember, they're struggling with a loss, it's NOT something to not respond to, or make light of. Gather round them, hug them, tell them you're there if they just need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear that can listen. Send flowers, or make a meal, Answer your phone. Respond to texts. Send a heartfelt email to them. Be there. Just be there.

Questioning Yourself

I have found I question myself a lot.

Am I parenting right? Am I good wife? Do I spend enough time with my kids? Am I trying to be a good friend? Am I too judgmental? Do I love God enough? Am I in love with God? Is my life right with God? What am I doing wrong?

And on and on and on.

I think if we take a moment to pause and think about our lives, we will find that our life is consumed with questioning ourselves, our life, our motives, and our thoughts.

And a lot of times, we look to others for approval, love, acceptance and to tell us we mean something to them, or to the world. We compare ourselves to others..."Well, she has nice hair. She always dresses so nice. Her kids look perfect. Her house is perfect. Her marriage seems so peaceful. She seems so in love with God. She's doing so much for God and people. She's such a good friend." And on and on.

But the scale we need to be comparing ourselves to is God. What does He think of us? Is He pleased? Is He happy with what we're doing?

We often bring judgmental questions to our thoughts too, "Am I good enough for God? Does He love me? Does He accept me?" We find ourselves trying to do things to please God, so we'll be found acceptable to Him.

But God isn't worried about our hair, our clothes, our house, our kids (how they look, if they have dirty faces, or dirt in between their toes), or what kind of job we have. He cares about those things tho. He wants the best for His children. He wants US happy. He wants our children to feel peace. But that isn't what pleases Him.

Today, as I was having a conversation with my Pops (dad), I found myself trying to prove myself to him, trying to make sure he was happy with me, wanting to impress him somehow. What earthly child doesn't want their parents to be proud? Often times we feel like we just fail people and cause them disappointment. I know I do. I know I often sit and mull over all the bad decisions I have made in life, knowing how it affected my parents and crushed them, and wish I could go back and fix it all...make it all better and change what I've done. But there's no going back. And that "no going back" hurts a lot when someone just wants that someone important in their lives to just be happy and pleased with them.

I often find myself sitting and trying to figure out how to please God too. I think about all the good things I want to do, all the people I want to help, all the things I want to do when I have money to go places and do things for people (meals for the sick, helping the A21 Campaign, throwing baby showers, wedding showers, sponsoring people for missions trips, etc) I spend time reading my Bible and studying books on God. I listen to music that is "holy" and "good." I keep trying to please God. I keep trying to do something to win His approval.

I'm not saying I've found the solution to not worrying about how to act that will please God. But I do know that He's not worried about our "acts." He wants our hearts to be pure, holy, fully committed to Him, to love Him and appreciate the sacrifice He made for us.

I hope this encourages someone, because I know that it seems to be a rampant struggle among women wanting to serve God. We need to just keep loving Him and doing what we feel Him leading our hearts to do. God loves us. His love is high, deep, wide and all around. Just relax and know He is there and loves us for who we are.

Find the Good

The past few weeks in my household have been a little bit of a whirlwind of craziness. It's not worth going into all tthe details of what's been going on. What I want to touch on is how I've been learning to find the good in everything.

If you look hard enough (though sometimes, I'll admit, it is hard to find the good) you will always find something good in each situation.

For instance, the other day, I got online to check our account with a company to see what this months bill was coming to. When I logged on, my heart sank. It said we owed $790.24. Now, I knew that that amount was wrong. Completely wrong. But I have had to deal with this company before and knew I could get the bill down....but I also knew that it would take hours and hours. I spent, over a period of about two weeks, calling, talking, waiting on hold, talking and waiting on hold some more. At one point, one of the numerous phone calls got disconnected on accident somehow. I was soooo upset. But here is what happened next. When I called back, I told the lady what I needed and she just transferred me to a billing specialist. He had the authority to take my bill all the way down to even less than what we really owed. He did it as a favor, and blessing, for all my trouble and time.

So you see, I should have just trusted that God had a plan for that phone call to get disconnected (btw, I was getting absolutely nowhere with the person before) and to get me to someone who was going to be able to bless me beyond what my expectations were.

I know it is hard to trust God sometimes. It's human nature to want to control things. We want to know the results of our work. But I've noticed time and time again that when I control my life, it goes awry. Nothing ever works out. But when I relax, let go and let God be Who He is great at being; Awesome, Provider, Miracle Worker, and on and on and on, then my life is full of blessings and joy. I'm not saying there won't be struggles, like I had the other day with my bill. I remember leaning back, burying my head into my hands and just crying, "God, please help!" It was that simple little prayer that brought peace. I was able to pick up the phone, call back and look what He did! He got me to the person I really needed to be talking to.

We all have times, probably every single day, that we run into something unexpected, and we have a choice. We can either be frustrated, angry, and upset, and try to take control of the situation ourselves. Or we can turn to God, ask for His help and let Him guide our steps.

I also want to touch on one last thing really fast. We cannot expect God to turn every situation around to what we would like. We also have to trust that if something doesn't go our way, and doesn't "work out" that God has a plan. He sees the ultimate outcome, not us. So we also have to trust that He knows and will take care of us. There are reasons He does things. It's not that suddenly He's against us. It's that He sees the ultimate outcome and will do what is best for us. It's part of trusting Him!!! I'm looking forward to going to Heaven and sitting at His feet while He shows me my life and how He orchestrated everything. All the times I felt like I was walking alone, He's going to show me how He was carrying me. All the times I've wondered why He let me go through this or that, He's going to show me how He orchestrated it for my good. I'm looking forward to Him being able to show me how much good He was able to do through me, because of what I went through.

So keep trusting and allow God to show you the good in what He has planned.