Ever had a night where so much weighs on your mind, you can't sleep?
I am having one of those right now, so don't worry if you do...you're not alone. Tonight is a night where I have a lot on my mind. Too many things happened today, or yesterday to be exact, since it's 3 something in the morning now.
It's not bad to admit you're human, but our natural nature doesn't want to admit that, because it ruins our pride, our image, and what we think others will think of us. But something I've found is that when I admit I'm wrong, I find a sense of freedom to be me, and to love others, because I can realize that they're human too.
This past week, it came to my attention from a former friend who attended the same church I did growing up, that a newspaper article had printed a "quote" I supposedly said that was hurtful to my ex-church. I was somewhat aware of the wrongness of the quote for the past year or so, but didn't realize the severity of it, since I'd only scanned the article once before. I didn't really read what I was quoted on, because the rest of the article so infuriated me to all the lies and gossip flying around about my old church.
It really frustrated me, when I went to read the article with more attention to detail. I ended up contacting the editor of the newspaper about it and am still in a verbal/written "fight" about it. What they quoted me as saying was a mix/mash of what was really said.
Then tonight, my husband came home from talking with someone and informed me that it was still believed I was going around bashing another family. I've been making it my goal to be as nice, kind, cordial and honest with this family and to have lies again told to them, hurt beyond words.
Maybe it's because I'm an emotional wreck with this pregnancy. Maybe it's because we've been under extreme stress for quite a few weeks now and all this jumbled up together has been over the top for me. I called my Mom earlier this evening to talk with her about it all, and ended up bawling for a long time, just trying to relieve some of the stress.
I know this all sounds like a HUGE pity party, and maybe I am having a bit of one. I'd admit it. I was upset, angry, distraught, hurt, shattered, frustrated, and felt stomped on and left for the birds.
But what matters the most is that I am trying to get back up from my massive meltdown. I might be really honest with this blog, but I do it in hopes that people can realize they're not alone in their human-ness. It's not a bad thing to be human. What makes it bad is if you choose to allow the human side of you take over your life and rule you. In all honesty, I wanted to just yell and scream earlier. I may have actually done a bit of that too (shamed face, eyes down to the ground). I hate being accused of wrong things. Especially when I know 100% that I am in the right.
What came to mind earlier was Jesus. Jesus was accused wrongly. He was crucified for it. He DIED. People screamed for his death. Yet He took it all quietly, without a word in His defense. That's right. No defense whatsoever. He allowed people to believe that they wanted. He said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay." He knows what is right and what is wrong. He is the One who will bring justice to all wrongs.
So me wanting justice, and the truth to be known was just my humanity showing. As I sat here tonight, trying to figure out how justice could be done, how my side of the story could be told (after several huge failures on my part to be like Jesus), I came to realize I need to just rest in Him. It didn't matter what people believe about me. It doesn't matter what others say about me. Jesus knows the truth. And that is all that really matters.
Jesus cares about us. He wants to listen to us. We don't have to worry about coming to Him with too petty of things, or coming to Him with things we feel are stupid, wrong, or just plain silly. I know I felt pretty silly telling Him how mad I was and how I felt vengeful and deep seeded anger. When I was praying, I thought, "He's probably sitting there just rolling His eyes, because He just wants me to be perfect and not be angry." Then I had to remind myself of what He said. "Be angry, but sin not." "Do not let the sun go down on your anger..."
So by those words alone, I felt comfort in the fact that He realized we're human. He knew we'd get angry. He just admonished us to not sin in our anger. And then He encouraged us to be grown-up and not stay in our pity party by not going to bed angry. Isn't God great? He realize our humanity. He has no problem with us being human and making mistakes. He made a way out and it feels so good to just relax and not have to be perfect.
I hope all this makes sense. I know I ramble a lot. Another side of my humanity maybe? I do love to talk. Haha. Ooops. I'm pretty sure there is some scripture somewhere that talks about not being loquacious. Maybe that's the next thing I need to work on? :)
Be of good cheer folks! God is faithful. He loves us. He loves us even with all our faults and petty problems.
Good night!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Responding to Loss
Over my life's experiences, I've had my share of hurts. Who hasn't?
There are many things that hurt in life. We loose friends, family, jobs, money, etc. But there is one subject I want to touch on, because I've seen this happen over and over again, not only to me, but to many other women.
The Loss of a Baby
(Before you worry, I am still pregnant with a healthy little baby)
I have experienced loss twice. I haven't told too many people, because it's not something I just go around talking about. I have my reasons for not talking about it and I'll go into that in a bit.
When I got pregnant with my first baby, I started to bleed around 12-13 weeks. I went to the ER with pain, cramping and feeling really ill. When they detected a heartbeat, they sent us into an ultrasound to get more of an educated idea on why I was bleeding. The doctor was rough, rude and just plain business like; no sense of gentleness or heart.
As he was scanning my tummy, he matter of factly said, "There is the healthy baby, and there is the sack from the other baby...but the baby isn't there anymore. You had twins. But you don't now." And he just grabbed his papers, told me to "sit tight" and left the room. I was left in there with my husband to just "sit tight" and mull over what he had just told me. They gave me papers on how to deal with miscarriage and how to deal with a "threatened miscarriage" for the other baby. I was in shock. I don't think I even cried for a long time. There is never a right way to find out that you had twins, but don't now and that you could have another miscarriage for the other little life inside you.
I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I told very few friends that I had miscarried a twin. And most people would just look at me like "Ohhhh" and never really say much. I never could figure out why.
My twins brother went on to be born, beautifully handsome and healthy. I was thrilled to have him in my life. But 5 months after he was born, it happened all over again. My husband was active duty US Navy and the day it happened, he had duty. When a person has duty in the military, it's a 24 hour period they have to stay at their job to do watch, work, etc. I woke up at 5 am, took my husband to work and returned home, cuddled into bed, knowing the day ahead was going to be long and lonely. I always missed my hubby on duty days. (Who doesn't? lol). I woke up around 8 am when my 5 month old son woke up. I realized I was in horrible pain. I figured it was just a bad monthly coming on since I knew I was late. But I hadn't had regular monthlies since having my son. So it wasn't unusual to me. Then later on that afternoon, the gush happened. And it just kept gushing. No stop in the flow, or less.
I struggled to get my son ready to go and called my husband's ship to tell them to get a message to my husband that I was headed to the ER. I was loosing way too much blood. I was hoping my husband could meet me there, but since he had duty, they wouldn't let him off.
After getting into the hospital, got checked in and they took blood, the nurse came out to me and told me she needed to talk to me. She said my blood had traces of HCG (the hormone that helps sustain the baby) but that the levels were extremely low. She asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I just sat in shock. It was happening again. I was hundreds of miles from my parents, my husband was at work, and I pretty much had no friends near by at the time. She said they wanted to do an ultrasound to check to see if there was any other baby in there, since this had happened once before. I called my husband to let him know what was going on while they prepared the ultrasound.
Again, the doctors (3 of them this time) just bluntly told me I had lost a baby and walked out of the room after preforming the ultrasound. After that, my husband arrived to be with me. (Thankfully his duty leader let him off to come be with me since I'd had a confirmed miscarriage). We just cried. We didn't really tell anyone, not even our parents until much, much later. I was scared of people's response. I didn't want people to lessen what I'd gone through like they did last time.
What hurt the most is when we decided to tell someone close, or someone we thought should have been close, they did exactly what I dreaded, and why I didn't want to tell anyone. They told us it was impossible to get pregnant that fast after having a baby and that I was just wrong. They never said they were sorry, or felt for us, or anything.
I'm telling my story, because I hear women being hurt like this all the time. People not knowing what to say, how to respond to a loss like this, or making light of the situation just compounds the situation and make it worse.
Can I just say this?
When you find out a person has experienced a loss, especially with a baby, don't make light of it. Whether they tell you on the phone, through a text or an email, respond with love, care and concern. I decided to text a couple of people about it because I really didn't want to put them in a place of having to come up with something to say right then and there. But what happened instead is they never responded at all. Nothing.
That hurts. It feels like they either didn't believe me, or just didn't care. Don't do that to people. Be nice, be caring, be loving, be concerned. Remember, they're struggling with a loss, it's NOT something to not respond to, or make light of. Gather round them, hug them, tell them you're there if they just need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear that can listen. Send flowers, or make a meal, Answer your phone. Respond to texts. Send a heartfelt email to them. Be there. Just be there.
There are many things that hurt in life. We loose friends, family, jobs, money, etc. But there is one subject I want to touch on, because I've seen this happen over and over again, not only to me, but to many other women.
The Loss of a Baby
(Before you worry, I am still pregnant with a healthy little baby)
I have experienced loss twice. I haven't told too many people, because it's not something I just go around talking about. I have my reasons for not talking about it and I'll go into that in a bit.
When I got pregnant with my first baby, I started to bleed around 12-13 weeks. I went to the ER with pain, cramping and feeling really ill. When they detected a heartbeat, they sent us into an ultrasound to get more of an educated idea on why I was bleeding. The doctor was rough, rude and just plain business like; no sense of gentleness or heart.
As he was scanning my tummy, he matter of factly said, "There is the healthy baby, and there is the sack from the other baby...but the baby isn't there anymore. You had twins. But you don't now." And he just grabbed his papers, told me to "sit tight" and left the room. I was left in there with my husband to just "sit tight" and mull over what he had just told me. They gave me papers on how to deal with miscarriage and how to deal with a "threatened miscarriage" for the other baby. I was in shock. I don't think I even cried for a long time. There is never a right way to find out that you had twins, but don't now and that you could have another miscarriage for the other little life inside you.
I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I told very few friends that I had miscarried a twin. And most people would just look at me like "Ohhhh" and never really say much. I never could figure out why.
My twins brother went on to be born, beautifully handsome and healthy. I was thrilled to have him in my life. But 5 months after he was born, it happened all over again. My husband was active duty US Navy and the day it happened, he had duty. When a person has duty in the military, it's a 24 hour period they have to stay at their job to do watch, work, etc. I woke up at 5 am, took my husband to work and returned home, cuddled into bed, knowing the day ahead was going to be long and lonely. I always missed my hubby on duty days. (Who doesn't? lol). I woke up around 8 am when my 5 month old son woke up. I realized I was in horrible pain. I figured it was just a bad monthly coming on since I knew I was late. But I hadn't had regular monthlies since having my son. So it wasn't unusual to me. Then later on that afternoon, the gush happened. And it just kept gushing. No stop in the flow, or less.
I struggled to get my son ready to go and called my husband's ship to tell them to get a message to my husband that I was headed to the ER. I was loosing way too much blood. I was hoping my husband could meet me there, but since he had duty, they wouldn't let him off.
After getting into the hospital, got checked in and they took blood, the nurse came out to me and told me she needed to talk to me. She said my blood had traces of HCG (the hormone that helps sustain the baby) but that the levels were extremely low. She asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I just sat in shock. It was happening again. I was hundreds of miles from my parents, my husband was at work, and I pretty much had no friends near by at the time. She said they wanted to do an ultrasound to check to see if there was any other baby in there, since this had happened once before. I called my husband to let him know what was going on while they prepared the ultrasound.
Again, the doctors (3 of them this time) just bluntly told me I had lost a baby and walked out of the room after preforming the ultrasound. After that, my husband arrived to be with me. (Thankfully his duty leader let him off to come be with me since I'd had a confirmed miscarriage). We just cried. We didn't really tell anyone, not even our parents until much, much later. I was scared of people's response. I didn't want people to lessen what I'd gone through like they did last time.
What hurt the most is when we decided to tell someone close, or someone we thought should have been close, they did exactly what I dreaded, and why I didn't want to tell anyone. They told us it was impossible to get pregnant that fast after having a baby and that I was just wrong. They never said they were sorry, or felt for us, or anything.
I'm telling my story, because I hear women being hurt like this all the time. People not knowing what to say, how to respond to a loss like this, or making light of the situation just compounds the situation and make it worse.
Can I just say this?
When you find out a person has experienced a loss, especially with a baby, don't make light of it. Whether they tell you on the phone, through a text or an email, respond with love, care and concern. I decided to text a couple of people about it because I really didn't want to put them in a place of having to come up with something to say right then and there. But what happened instead is they never responded at all. Nothing.
That hurts. It feels like they either didn't believe me, or just didn't care. Don't do that to people. Be nice, be caring, be loving, be concerned. Remember, they're struggling with a loss, it's NOT something to not respond to, or make light of. Gather round them, hug them, tell them you're there if they just need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear that can listen. Send flowers, or make a meal, Answer your phone. Respond to texts. Send a heartfelt email to them. Be there. Just be there.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Questioning Yourself
I have found I question myself a lot.
Am I parenting right? Am I good wife? Do I spend enough time with my kids? Am I trying to be a good friend? Am I too judgmental? Do I love God enough? Am I in love with God? Is my life right with God? What am I doing wrong?
And on and on and on.
I think if we take a moment to pause and think about our lives, we will find that our life is consumed with questioning ourselves, our life, our motives, and our thoughts.
And a lot of times, we look to others for approval, love, acceptance and to tell us we mean something to them, or to the world. We compare ourselves to others..."Well, she has nice hair. She always dresses so nice. Her kids look perfect. Her house is perfect. Her marriage seems so peaceful. She seems so in love with God. She's doing so much for God and people. She's such a good friend." And on and on.
But the scale we need to be comparing ourselves to is God. What does He think of us? Is He pleased? Is He happy with what we're doing?
We often bring judgmental questions to our thoughts too, "Am I good enough for God? Does He love me? Does He accept me?" We find ourselves trying to do things to please God, so we'll be found acceptable to Him.
But God isn't worried about our hair, our clothes, our house, our kids (how they look, if they have dirty faces, or dirt in between their toes), or what kind of job we have. He cares about those things tho. He wants the best for His children. He wants US happy. He wants our children to feel peace. But that isn't what pleases Him.
Today, as I was having a conversation with my Pops (dad), I found myself trying to prove myself to him, trying to make sure he was happy with me, wanting to impress him somehow. What earthly child doesn't want their parents to be proud? Often times we feel like we just fail people and cause them disappointment. I know I do. I know I often sit and mull over all the bad decisions I have made in life, knowing how it affected my parents and crushed them, and wish I could go back and fix it all...make it all better and change what I've done. But there's no going back. And that "no going back" hurts a lot when someone just wants that someone important in their lives to just be happy and pleased with them.
I often find myself sitting and trying to figure out how to please God too. I think about all the good things I want to do, all the people I want to help, all the things I want to do when I have money to go places and do things for people (meals for the sick, helping the A21 Campaign, throwing baby showers, wedding showers, sponsoring people for missions trips, etc) I spend time reading my Bible and studying books on God. I listen to music that is "holy" and "good." I keep trying to please God. I keep trying to do something to win His approval.
I'm not saying I've found the solution to not worrying about how to act that will please God. But I do know that He's not worried about our "acts." He wants our hearts to be pure, holy, fully committed to Him, to love Him and appreciate the sacrifice He made for us.
I hope this encourages someone, because I know that it seems to be a rampant struggle among women wanting to serve God. We need to just keep loving Him and doing what we feel Him leading our hearts to do. God loves us. His love is high, deep, wide and all around. Just relax and know He is there and loves us for who we are.
Am I parenting right? Am I good wife? Do I spend enough time with my kids? Am I trying to be a good friend? Am I too judgmental? Do I love God enough? Am I in love with God? Is my life right with God? What am I doing wrong?
And on and on and on.
I think if we take a moment to pause and think about our lives, we will find that our life is consumed with questioning ourselves, our life, our motives, and our thoughts.
And a lot of times, we look to others for approval, love, acceptance and to tell us we mean something to them, or to the world. We compare ourselves to others..."Well, she has nice hair. She always dresses so nice. Her kids look perfect. Her house is perfect. Her marriage seems so peaceful. She seems so in love with God. She's doing so much for God and people. She's such a good friend." And on and on.
But the scale we need to be comparing ourselves to is God. What does He think of us? Is He pleased? Is He happy with what we're doing?
We often bring judgmental questions to our thoughts too, "Am I good enough for God? Does He love me? Does He accept me?" We find ourselves trying to do things to please God, so we'll be found acceptable to Him.
But God isn't worried about our hair, our clothes, our house, our kids (how they look, if they have dirty faces, or dirt in between their toes), or what kind of job we have. He cares about those things tho. He wants the best for His children. He wants US happy. He wants our children to feel peace. But that isn't what pleases Him.
Today, as I was having a conversation with my Pops (dad), I found myself trying to prove myself to him, trying to make sure he was happy with me, wanting to impress him somehow. What earthly child doesn't want their parents to be proud? Often times we feel like we just fail people and cause them disappointment. I know I do. I know I often sit and mull over all the bad decisions I have made in life, knowing how it affected my parents and crushed them, and wish I could go back and fix it all...make it all better and change what I've done. But there's no going back. And that "no going back" hurts a lot when someone just wants that someone important in their lives to just be happy and pleased with them.
I often find myself sitting and trying to figure out how to please God too. I think about all the good things I want to do, all the people I want to help, all the things I want to do when I have money to go places and do things for people (meals for the sick, helping the A21 Campaign, throwing baby showers, wedding showers, sponsoring people for missions trips, etc) I spend time reading my Bible and studying books on God. I listen to music that is "holy" and "good." I keep trying to please God. I keep trying to do something to win His approval.
I'm not saying I've found the solution to not worrying about how to act that will please God. But I do know that He's not worried about our "acts." He wants our hearts to be pure, holy, fully committed to Him, to love Him and appreciate the sacrifice He made for us.
I hope this encourages someone, because I know that it seems to be a rampant struggle among women wanting to serve God. We need to just keep loving Him and doing what we feel Him leading our hearts to do. God loves us. His love is high, deep, wide and all around. Just relax and know He is there and loves us for who we are.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Find the Good
The past few weeks in my household have been a little bit of a whirlwind of craziness. It's not worth going into all tthe details of what's been going on. What I want to touch on is how I've been learning to find the good in everything.
If you look hard enough (though sometimes, I'll admit, it is hard to find the good) you will always find something good in each situation.
For instance, the other day, I got online to check our account with a company to see what this months bill was coming to. When I logged on, my heart sank. It said we owed $790.24. Now, I knew that that amount was wrong. Completely wrong. But I have had to deal with this company before and knew I could get the bill down....but I also knew that it would take hours and hours. I spent, over a period of about two weeks, calling, talking, waiting on hold, talking and waiting on hold some more. At one point, one of the numerous phone calls got disconnected on accident somehow. I was soooo upset. But here is what happened next. When I called back, I told the lady what I needed and she just transferred me to a billing specialist. He had the authority to take my bill all the way down to even less than what we really owed. He did it as a favor, and blessing, for all my trouble and time.
So you see, I should have just trusted that God had a plan for that phone call to get disconnected (btw, I was getting absolutely nowhere with the person before) and to get me to someone who was going to be able to bless me beyond what my expectations were.
I know it is hard to trust God sometimes. It's human nature to want to control things. We want to know the results of our work. But I've noticed time and time again that when I control my life, it goes awry. Nothing ever works out. But when I relax, let go and let God be Who He is great at being; Awesome, Provider, Miracle Worker, and on and on and on, then my life is full of blessings and joy. I'm not saying there won't be struggles, like I had the other day with my bill. I remember leaning back, burying my head into my hands and just crying, "God, please help!" It was that simple little prayer that brought peace. I was able to pick up the phone, call back and look what He did! He got me to the person I really needed to be talking to.
We all have times, probably every single day, that we run into something unexpected, and we have a choice. We can either be frustrated, angry, and upset, and try to take control of the situation ourselves. Or we can turn to God, ask for His help and let Him guide our steps.
I also want to touch on one last thing really fast. We cannot expect God to turn every situation around to what we would like. We also have to trust that if something doesn't go our way, and doesn't "work out" that God has a plan. He sees the ultimate outcome, not us. So we also have to trust that He knows and will take care of us. There are reasons He does things. It's not that suddenly He's against us. It's that He sees the ultimate outcome and will do what is best for us. It's part of trusting Him!!! I'm looking forward to going to Heaven and sitting at His feet while He shows me my life and how He orchestrated everything. All the times I felt like I was walking alone, He's going to show me how He was carrying me. All the times I've wondered why He let me go through this or that, He's going to show me how He orchestrated it for my good. I'm looking forward to Him being able to show me how much good He was able to do through me, because of what I went through.
So keep trusting and allow God to show you the good in what He has planned.
If you look hard enough (though sometimes, I'll admit, it is hard to find the good) you will always find something good in each situation.
For instance, the other day, I got online to check our account with a company to see what this months bill was coming to. When I logged on, my heart sank. It said we owed $790.24. Now, I knew that that amount was wrong. Completely wrong. But I have had to deal with this company before and knew I could get the bill down....but I also knew that it would take hours and hours. I spent, over a period of about two weeks, calling, talking, waiting on hold, talking and waiting on hold some more. At one point, one of the numerous phone calls got disconnected on accident somehow. I was soooo upset. But here is what happened next. When I called back, I told the lady what I needed and she just transferred me to a billing specialist. He had the authority to take my bill all the way down to even less than what we really owed. He did it as a favor, and blessing, for all my trouble and time.
So you see, I should have just trusted that God had a plan for that phone call to get disconnected (btw, I was getting absolutely nowhere with the person before) and to get me to someone who was going to be able to bless me beyond what my expectations were.
I know it is hard to trust God sometimes. It's human nature to want to control things. We want to know the results of our work. But I've noticed time and time again that when I control my life, it goes awry. Nothing ever works out. But when I relax, let go and let God be Who He is great at being; Awesome, Provider, Miracle Worker, and on and on and on, then my life is full of blessings and joy. I'm not saying there won't be struggles, like I had the other day with my bill. I remember leaning back, burying my head into my hands and just crying, "God, please help!" It was that simple little prayer that brought peace. I was able to pick up the phone, call back and look what He did! He got me to the person I really needed to be talking to.
We all have times, probably every single day, that we run into something unexpected, and we have a choice. We can either be frustrated, angry, and upset, and try to take control of the situation ourselves. Or we can turn to God, ask for His help and let Him guide our steps.
I also want to touch on one last thing really fast. We cannot expect God to turn every situation around to what we would like. We also have to trust that if something doesn't go our way, and doesn't "work out" that God has a plan. He sees the ultimate outcome, not us. So we also have to trust that He knows and will take care of us. There are reasons He does things. It's not that suddenly He's against us. It's that He sees the ultimate outcome and will do what is best for us. It's part of trusting Him!!! I'm looking forward to going to Heaven and sitting at His feet while He shows me my life and how He orchestrated everything. All the times I felt like I was walking alone, He's going to show me how He was carrying me. All the times I've wondered why He let me go through this or that, He's going to show me how He orchestrated it for my good. I'm looking forward to Him being able to show me how much good He was able to do through me, because of what I went through.
So keep trusting and allow God to show you the good in what He has planned.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Finding Peace
I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. This pregnancy came a surprise, since we definitely weren't trying, and were on birth control to prevent it.
So when I missed a monthly, I panicked. I told my husband that I needed a test and so he ran to the store to get one. Sure enough it was positive. My husband was in such disbelief that he ran to another store to get a different kind, just to see if it had the same result.
Sure enough: Positive.
I'm pretty sure I sat in my bathroom for a few minutes, in complete shock as I watched the "Positive" blinking at me on the test's screen. My heart was pounding in my ears and I felt a complete wave of frustration and was almost a bit angry at God. Why me? Why now?
Mind you, I love my two children. I wanted more children, but not right now.
I came out of my bathroom and called to my husband, "Honeyyyyyy!!!" He came around the corner and his face blanched when he saw my face. I don't remember if I told him I was pregnant or not, but the look on my face told it all. We just stood there, hugged and I cried. He kept patting me on the back and rubbing my shoulders, telling me it was going to be ok, that God knew all about it and it must be meant to be.
It took me a long time to even smile about it. I felt overwhelmed. It took me 3 weeks after that to even bring myself to tell people. There are circumstances in our life we wanted to get settled before having another baby. My husband is going to college to get his degree and he wanted to graduate. We wanted to buy a house, build some relationships/friendships so we'd have people to celebrate with us besides just a "Congratulations" posted on Facebook. (Please, no offense to anyone who tells us that! We appreciate every comment. It's just with our last two babies we have had no family or friends around us to come see the first baby, or celebrate in any way due to being in the military and moving 1 month before the birth of our second baby.)
So as the weeks have passed, 14 to be exact, I have come to a place where, when I start feeling overwhelmed about being pregnant, I turn to God and thank Him for this little life growing within me. God is always the giver of life. In the Bible it says, "Children are a blessing from God." Children really are a blessing. They're a lot of work. They turn life upside down and all around. Nothing ever goes as planned (unless you happen to be Mama Perfect...and if you find her, please let me know. I need tips...LOL). The house is pretty much never all clean at the same time, unless company is coming, and then it's just because the kids are locked in highchairs and play-yards. It takes 45 minutes to get out the door, and even then, something is normally forgotten. For me, it's normally, "oops, I forgot to brush my hair." Or, "I forgot to get the extra diapers."
Motherhood is a blessing. But often we allow ourselves to get out of the place of peace. We strive to be perfect, and have every strand of hair in place, or every crumb brushed off the floor, or every piece of laundry finished. Then, when it doesn't happen, we beat ourselves up over it and stress ourselves out trying to "get there." Just remember, when you go to your friends house and everything seems perfect and in place, it's either because she hired a maid to help, or she really just stuffed things places, grabbed all that laundry lying by the washer and put it in the wash, quickly loaded the dishwasher (but the dishes are still dirty) and who knows what else. Don't compare yourself to others. Think about what makes your family (especially your husband) happy and what makes you happy. If you can be happy with little smudges on the glass and maybe a couple of crumbs on the floor and toys scattered places, a pile of laundry not yet finished and a toilet left unscrubbed, then be happy. If there are things that nag at you, and cause you to focus on what's not done yet, make those priority. Allow yourself to find that place of peace. Once you find it, try to stay there.
Motherhood is wonderful. Never, ever forget that! :)
So when I missed a monthly, I panicked. I told my husband that I needed a test and so he ran to the store to get one. Sure enough it was positive. My husband was in such disbelief that he ran to another store to get a different kind, just to see if it had the same result.
Sure enough: Positive.
I'm pretty sure I sat in my bathroom for a few minutes, in complete shock as I watched the "Positive" blinking at me on the test's screen. My heart was pounding in my ears and I felt a complete wave of frustration and was almost a bit angry at God. Why me? Why now?
Mind you, I love my two children. I wanted more children, but not right now.
I came out of my bathroom and called to my husband, "Honeyyyyyy!!!" He came around the corner and his face blanched when he saw my face. I don't remember if I told him I was pregnant or not, but the look on my face told it all. We just stood there, hugged and I cried. He kept patting me on the back and rubbing my shoulders, telling me it was going to be ok, that God knew all about it and it must be meant to be.
It took me a long time to even smile about it. I felt overwhelmed. It took me 3 weeks after that to even bring myself to tell people. There are circumstances in our life we wanted to get settled before having another baby. My husband is going to college to get his degree and he wanted to graduate. We wanted to buy a house, build some relationships/friendships so we'd have people to celebrate with us besides just a "Congratulations" posted on Facebook. (Please, no offense to anyone who tells us that! We appreciate every comment. It's just with our last two babies we have had no family or friends around us to come see the first baby, or celebrate in any way due to being in the military and moving 1 month before the birth of our second baby.)
So as the weeks have passed, 14 to be exact, I have come to a place where, when I start feeling overwhelmed about being pregnant, I turn to God and thank Him for this little life growing within me. God is always the giver of life. In the Bible it says, "Children are a blessing from God." Children really are a blessing. They're a lot of work. They turn life upside down and all around. Nothing ever goes as planned (unless you happen to be Mama Perfect...and if you find her, please let me know. I need tips...LOL). The house is pretty much never all clean at the same time, unless company is coming, and then it's just because the kids are locked in highchairs and play-yards. It takes 45 minutes to get out the door, and even then, something is normally forgotten. For me, it's normally, "oops, I forgot to brush my hair." Or, "I forgot to get the extra diapers."
Motherhood is a blessing. But often we allow ourselves to get out of the place of peace. We strive to be perfect, and have every strand of hair in place, or every crumb brushed off the floor, or every piece of laundry finished. Then, when it doesn't happen, we beat ourselves up over it and stress ourselves out trying to "get there." Just remember, when you go to your friends house and everything seems perfect and in place, it's either because she hired a maid to help, or she really just stuffed things places, grabbed all that laundry lying by the washer and put it in the wash, quickly loaded the dishwasher (but the dishes are still dirty) and who knows what else. Don't compare yourself to others. Think about what makes your family (especially your husband) happy and what makes you happy. If you can be happy with little smudges on the glass and maybe a couple of crumbs on the floor and toys scattered places, a pile of laundry not yet finished and a toilet left unscrubbed, then be happy. If there are things that nag at you, and cause you to focus on what's not done yet, make those priority. Allow yourself to find that place of peace. Once you find it, try to stay there.
Motherhood is wonderful. Never, ever forget that! :)
Friday, May 10, 2013
Challenges of Marriage
I've been married over 3 years now. That's not much, I know. But there are some things I've learned in my engagement and marriage to my husband.
I think anyone who has challenged themselves to be in a relationship and marriage knows that it's not always smiles and roses. There are times when you just want to walk away, give up, and move on. Then there are times you are head over heels in love and can't imagine being without them.
I try to hold onto the times I'm head over heels in love and can't imagine being without them feeling when I am going through a rough patch in my marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. It's important that we hold onto our vows and respect them. They're there for a reason. When we make a commitment, it's only honorable and right to keep that commitment and do whatever it takes to bring it to pass. Marriage is a life long commitment. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but I try to not think about the "life long" part, because if I think about all that I might have to go through, and overcome, I get really overwhelmed. But it's when I take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, I can make it. I focus on what is at hand, I focus on my husband, his needs, his wants, his desires and give myself to fulfilling the vow I took.
In marriage, we often face difficulties we never imagined. For me, we've faced a miscarriage, job loss, having no friends, moving 4 times in the matter of about 1 1/2 years, injury, being away from each other for weeks at a time while he was in military training, etc. In the midst of all this, there are other factoring problems that come into play when these issues arose.
Oh and another: Children. When children are born within marriage, it often brings problems to the marriage. It doesn't have to, but often times, it does. When a baby is born, parents often focus on sleep, eating and sleep and eating and house cleaning, and work. Time for the relationship goes out the window. That is when the challenges take place of making time for each other.
For my husband and I, we focus on getting the children to bed a little early so we can settle down and eat dinner together, watch a movie or TV show and cuddle. It doesn't always go down as planned though. Children cry, get up, fuss, need diaper changes, need a hug, kiss or another drink. We often find ourselves shaking our heads in disappointment. Tears even come sometimes. We just want quality time together. Should that be so hard?
But what matters is that the effort is there. Tempers still flare at times, voices snap at each other when a feeling gets hurt, tears still stream down a face when a well thought out date night at home doesn't work out as planned. When it is all said and done, what matters is that each person knows that the effort was made, the love was there and the relationship was built.
Of course, there are a lot more things that matter in a marriage. But that is all for today. My children need me and there are laundry piles to be folded and put away and a sink full of dishes left to be washed. But remember, always focus on your family. The laundry can wait, the dishes will still be there, but what is important is that everyone feels loved, cared for and appreciated.
I think anyone who has challenged themselves to be in a relationship and marriage knows that it's not always smiles and roses. There are times when you just want to walk away, give up, and move on. Then there are times you are head over heels in love and can't imagine being without them.
I try to hold onto the times I'm head over heels in love and can't imagine being without them feeling when I am going through a rough patch in my marriage. Marriage is for better or for worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health. It's important that we hold onto our vows and respect them. They're there for a reason. When we make a commitment, it's only honorable and right to keep that commitment and do whatever it takes to bring it to pass. Marriage is a life long commitment. I don't know if this is wrong or not, but I try to not think about the "life long" part, because if I think about all that I might have to go through, and overcome, I get really overwhelmed. But it's when I take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour, I can make it. I focus on what is at hand, I focus on my husband, his needs, his wants, his desires and give myself to fulfilling the vow I took.
In marriage, we often face difficulties we never imagined. For me, we've faced a miscarriage, job loss, having no friends, moving 4 times in the matter of about 1 1/2 years, injury, being away from each other for weeks at a time while he was in military training, etc. In the midst of all this, there are other factoring problems that come into play when these issues arose.
Oh and another: Children. When children are born within marriage, it often brings problems to the marriage. It doesn't have to, but often times, it does. When a baby is born, parents often focus on sleep, eating and sleep and eating and house cleaning, and work. Time for the relationship goes out the window. That is when the challenges take place of making time for each other.
For my husband and I, we focus on getting the children to bed a little early so we can settle down and eat dinner together, watch a movie or TV show and cuddle. It doesn't always go down as planned though. Children cry, get up, fuss, need diaper changes, need a hug, kiss or another drink. We often find ourselves shaking our heads in disappointment. Tears even come sometimes. We just want quality time together. Should that be so hard?
But what matters is that the effort is there. Tempers still flare at times, voices snap at each other when a feeling gets hurt, tears still stream down a face when a well thought out date night at home doesn't work out as planned. When it is all said and done, what matters is that each person knows that the effort was made, the love was there and the relationship was built.
Of course, there are a lot more things that matter in a marriage. But that is all for today. My children need me and there are laundry piles to be folded and put away and a sink full of dishes left to be washed. But remember, always focus on your family. The laundry can wait, the dishes will still be there, but what is important is that everyone feels loved, cared for and appreciated.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Something I've Learned in Life
Life is Complicated
I spent the first 17 years of my life in an intentional, Christian community/church. While there, I learned many good, no, great things, about how to serve, lay down my life for my friends, how to have clean, good fun, and how to love.
I left this community when I was 21 years old. I didn't know what to expect in the "real world" as I had always called it while in the community.
Personally, after visiting many, many churches and trying to build relationships with people, I've found myself become increasingly disappointed by what I felt/feel as callousness, cold heartedness, distance and non-self-sacrificing, but more of a preservation of oneself. It's been a culture shock. I am not used to people not bringing meals to others while sick, or after having a baby, or not really being deeply interested in another's life's struggles or victories. Everything has seemed rather superficial, more interested in image, self and personal life.
But something else I've discovered is any community/church that has any sort of community like lifestyle also has control issues. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I haven't done research, I haven't tried to have a church where there is a community feel without control issues. It's complicated!
The Ideal Life
My ideal life is probably more of a fairy tale that can't, or won't happen. I dream of friends that are more like family. Friends that care for each other; celebrate babies, marriages, anniversaries, support during hard times: loss of jobs, life, or even everyday life struggles like post partum depression, or marriage struggles.
Where I grew up, life was free, simple, fun. Yeah, we had the stress of the spiritual side of things, but I'm not discussing that right now. I'm talking about the simple things of life.
For instance, something I've run into with churches is that they charge for everything. Conferences, retreats, even marriage counseling sessions.
Where I grew up, every homeschool meeting, every woman's meeting, men's meeting, etc, was free. Marriage counseling and meetings for young couples: free. We gave women wedding showers full of fun, needed gifts. For their wedding we made quilts by hand, the guys made beds and we worked night and day to get their house ready. When babies were born, we celebrated with baby showers, hand made quilts, and store bought things too. When a baby was born, there was round the clock care, meals delivered, etc. If someone got sick (like with cancer, or some other health issue) their children were cared for, meals made, and a lot of times a prayer chain started for them.
We had a sense of community. We played together, we laughed, we cried, we worked together. We served.
But out here in the "real world" it seems it's more of a world of serving self. It's not the norm to do the things I listed above. I've found a more "shocked" "wow" response from people when I share my past. A lot of times, people seem to close down and not even listen, as if the stuff listed above is too much to take in, or digest. But to me, it was a way of life. It was normal. It was great!
So coming out here in this world has been a bit of a culture shock. Part of me wants to ask people why this way of life seems so hard? What is so difficult about it? Are we more worried about holding onto our assets than helping someone else out? Are we more worried about ourselves than laying down our lives for our friends, our loved ones, our family? What is really holding churches back from living this type of lifestyle freely, voluntarily and excitedly? It was exciting for us to do things for others.
But Something I've Learned
I can't expect everyone to know what it's like to serve freely, with excitement and freedom if they've never experienced it. It's something they have to experience to appreciate. They have to experience the giving and the receiving of this type of love to understand and appreciate it. I've learned that for people to be able to experience this, someone has to step up to the plate and begin the "love service movement" as I like to call it. If you wanna see something happen, you have to do something about it.
I spent the first 17 years of my life in an intentional, Christian community/church. While there, I learned many good, no, great things, about how to serve, lay down my life for my friends, how to have clean, good fun, and how to love.
I left this community when I was 21 years old. I didn't know what to expect in the "real world" as I had always called it while in the community.
Personally, after visiting many, many churches and trying to build relationships with people, I've found myself become increasingly disappointed by what I felt/feel as callousness, cold heartedness, distance and non-self-sacrificing, but more of a preservation of oneself. It's been a culture shock. I am not used to people not bringing meals to others while sick, or after having a baby, or not really being deeply interested in another's life's struggles or victories. Everything has seemed rather superficial, more interested in image, self and personal life.
But something else I've discovered is any community/church that has any sort of community like lifestyle also has control issues. Honestly, I'm not sure why. I haven't done research, I haven't tried to have a church where there is a community feel without control issues. It's complicated!
The Ideal Life
My ideal life is probably more of a fairy tale that can't, or won't happen. I dream of friends that are more like family. Friends that care for each other; celebrate babies, marriages, anniversaries, support during hard times: loss of jobs, life, or even everyday life struggles like post partum depression, or marriage struggles.
Where I grew up, life was free, simple, fun. Yeah, we had the stress of the spiritual side of things, but I'm not discussing that right now. I'm talking about the simple things of life.
For instance, something I've run into with churches is that they charge for everything. Conferences, retreats, even marriage counseling sessions.
Where I grew up, every homeschool meeting, every woman's meeting, men's meeting, etc, was free. Marriage counseling and meetings for young couples: free. We gave women wedding showers full of fun, needed gifts. For their wedding we made quilts by hand, the guys made beds and we worked night and day to get their house ready. When babies were born, we celebrated with baby showers, hand made quilts, and store bought things too. When a baby was born, there was round the clock care, meals delivered, etc. If someone got sick (like with cancer, or some other health issue) their children were cared for, meals made, and a lot of times a prayer chain started for them.
We had a sense of community. We played together, we laughed, we cried, we worked together. We served.
But out here in the "real world" it seems it's more of a world of serving self. It's not the norm to do the things I listed above. I've found a more "shocked" "wow" response from people when I share my past. A lot of times, people seem to close down and not even listen, as if the stuff listed above is too much to take in, or digest. But to me, it was a way of life. It was normal. It was great!
So coming out here in this world has been a bit of a culture shock. Part of me wants to ask people why this way of life seems so hard? What is so difficult about it? Are we more worried about holding onto our assets than helping someone else out? Are we more worried about ourselves than laying down our lives for our friends, our loved ones, our family? What is really holding churches back from living this type of lifestyle freely, voluntarily and excitedly? It was exciting for us to do things for others.
But Something I've Learned
I can't expect everyone to know what it's like to serve freely, with excitement and freedom if they've never experienced it. It's something they have to experience to appreciate. They have to experience the giving and the receiving of this type of love to understand and appreciate it. I've learned that for people to be able to experience this, someone has to step up to the plate and begin the "love service movement" as I like to call it. If you wanna see something happen, you have to do something about it.
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