Your Past Does Not Disqualify You

I have never come out right and said this, because honestly, I've been ashamed, frustrated and even angry at myself for my past. But this past week, something someone said to me made me feel free to share this in a more public way.

I got pregnant before I was married.

There, it's out. Judge me, hate me, damn me to hell. But hear me out. :)

I left a community that was quite controlling and hurtful, and when I left, my perspective of God was very messed up. To me, he was controlling, he sent everyone to hell, unless they were perfect, etc, etc. After I left, I went to a Bible college and had some very good experiences. But several things started getting in the way of my discovering who God really is. I would get confused by all the different speakers coming in to "guest speak" and their different ideas on what a real Christian is supposed to be like. I found myself getting angrier and angrier at people and at God. Why couldn't someone just TELL me who God is, and leave it at that, instead of giving their ideas and thoughts on the matter?!

So I left the college with my boyfriend who was also confused, hurt and struggling with the whole "Who is God" thing. After we left, we drew closer, and our hearts were hurting for love. We just wanted acceptance. And where did we find that? We found it in intimacy with each other. That intimacy resulted in pregnancy.

I have been ashamed of myself since that day. I hid my pregnancy, I didn't want to tell people. And for the most part, baring the rare, sweet few, I was judged and shunned. Even hated.

Then the other day, I was speaking with a leader in our church and I told her our story. I was hesitant, worried she was going to discount me and judge me. Her words surprised me and made me feel happy! She said, "Oh, that's normal. Not that it's what God wants, but it's normal. We have many men and women who are leaders in this church who did the same exact thing. Your past sin does not disqualify you from the calling God has on your life. God will use those issues in your life to help others."

What healing, exciting, comforting, exhilarating words!

Be encouraged! your past does not dictate to you who you are now, or what your future holds. It does not dictate how much God loves you. Let your past push you forward to encourage others, love others, accept others. Let God use your past for your good and others good. Your past does not disqualify you from His anointing, or His blessings!

Facing Our Fears

The past two days have been overly stressful, but beyond beautiful.

Numerous things have happened, and I've felt like a ping-pong ball just bouncing back and forth between two hard places, and never finding a resting place. My heart was constantly on "high" and my spirit just couldn't rest. Between spending a night in Labor and Delivery with my 3rd pregnancy, experiencing excruciating pain, and not finding out what the problem was, to some more unexpected crunches, financially, I just was stretched as thin as it comes emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I found my attitude getting worse and worse. I couldn't control my emotions, I felt unable to hold in my frustration. And my past came tumbling into my mind faster and faster until I felt suffocated by it. Then I became discouraged with that, because I thought I was "over that" and "moved on." Well, at least with those particular memories. Instead, I discovered I had been pushing them behind, and refusing to think about them, and all along, that's just what it was. I hadn't really left behind those feelings and thoughts. They were just pushed below the surface so deep, I didn't realize the anger was still there.

So yesterday, I was sitting with a couple of beautiful, sweet hearted ladies, and they were just wanting to talk to me about something. I found myself getting like a volcano. Everything that came out of their mouths seemed to attack me. (When in all reality, it was just my perception of them that was scewed by my own anger and frustration from my past.) I remember thinking, "I just can't do this anymore and wanted to bolt from the room. But thankfully, my hubby was there, and reassured me that everything really was ok, and just listen. (Anyone that knows me, knows that I don't shut my mouth as often as I should. I speak before I think...something I am REALLY working hard at changing. But I'm nowhere near being perfect yet. There's grace for being human, right?)

Once I stopped to hear what they had to say, I found out that everything I thought they were saying was just to clear up some misunderstandings, and that they were ultimately wanting to bless us in a way that was beyond our dreams or expectations.

Of course, I then sat in shame, and starting bawling like a little girl. How could God love me and accept me even when my perspective of Him and His people was so messed up? 

I felt God speaking to me that the reason He could love me is because His pespective of ME is that He created me, that I am His child, and that tho I may get lost along the way, He is still right there to pick me up, and carry me back to safety. It amazes me the love He has for us, for me! He reaches down into our lowly place and brings us up to His holy place. He carries us when we're weak and loves on us even tho we don't deserve it.

This is a quote I saw right after my "break down" and finally let a little crack open to allow love to flow in.

It's time to get back up & keep pressing on. Just because you stumbled or fell over doesn't mean you're disqualified. It means you're human. Christine Caine

We don't have to stay in our lowly place. We just need to realize we are human. We make mistakes. We judge wrongly. Our failures do not disqualify us from God's love. He'll love us through thick and thin. 

So keep pressing on. Don't let your fears hold you back. Don't let your imperfections cause you to feel disqualified from the calling God has on your life. Because God uses us humans to move His kingdom forward.