But one thing that has really been heavily weighing on my mind is the world of Christianity and Jesus. It seems more and more that people are turned away from Christianity because, in their words, of the hypocrisy and hate. I, myself, have struggled with different issues amongst the Christian world, but fortunately, I've had my parents and a few rare friends that have been there to reboost my faith in Jesus and the people He calls His own.
It all started when I got pregnant with my oldest son. I was unmarried, young, no idea of what I was doing and struggling with my walk with Jesus. I won't mince words; I wasn't sure God even existed at the time. I think, in the back of my mind, I knew Jesus was real, but somewhere inside myself, to be honest, I don't know if I wanted Him to exist. I grew up in a community where it seemed hard to serve God. If I made a mistake, I was going to hell, etc. I don't want to elaborate on that, because that is a story for a different time. But in my mind, God was hard to please. God had no grace for sin, and most of all, it was "hard" to gain forgiveness from Him. That was my perspective!
So when I got pregnant with my son, I didn't want to tell anyone, because I knew the judgement would flow in, and I knew that what I'd done was wrong in the Christian world. I didn't want to face it. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of myself, my baby and the inappropriate relationship I had with my boyfriend, who is now my husband! The shame was overwhelming. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never open my eyes again. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to go away from everyone and just ignore the fact that 99% of my friends were Christians and I knew I'd be judged harshly.
I won't make it look pretty, or make excuses for myself, and what I did. It was wrong. But it's apart of my testimony. I had a few friends that have accepted me and loved me through my failures and it has moved mountains in my life. I don't think they even know the complete impact they've had me and my faith in God through all the struggles. As I've traveled through life since getting pregnant, I've seen God orchestrate something beautiful and I'm sure there's a lot more beauty He is going to reveal through my story. I've been able to talk to and encourage several young mothers who were single, pregnant and struggling. I've been able to encourage them and tell them my story. I've seen beauty rise from ashes. What satan meant for evil, God has changed around for good. Maybe it wasn't His perfect plan for me, (I know it wasn't!) but as I've allowed Him to change my heart through the situation, He's changed my testimony from darkness to light, from ashes, to glory, from sin, to holiness.
I am no longer ashamed of my past; I'm not ashamed of my testimony. It's not one I'm proud of. It's not something I suggest for anyone. But I am so thankful that God is changing my life of sin to a life of Love. I am thankful that my failures, He can use for His glory.
So don't get mired down in your past and think that God can't use a flawed vessel, because as you allow Him to mold you into His image, He'll change those flaws to perfection. Let your failures give hope to others, by them seeing your life, committed to God and consecrated to holiness. Let them see His love flowing through you. Let them feel the power of His presence by your actions. Don't let shame take over your heart. Instead, let your past shine out to show the beauty of God's forgiveness, love and acceptance!
No comments:
Post a Comment