There are many things that hurt in life. We loose friends, family, jobs, money, etc. But there is one subject I want to touch on, because I've seen this happen over and over again, not only to me, but to many other women.
The Loss of a Baby
(Before you worry, I am still pregnant with a healthy little baby)
I have experienced loss twice. I haven't told too many people, because it's not something I just go around talking about. I have my reasons for not talking about it and I'll go into that in a bit.
When I got pregnant with my first baby, I started to bleed around 12-13 weeks. I went to the ER with pain, cramping and feeling really ill. When they detected a heartbeat, they sent us into an ultrasound to get more of an educated idea on why I was bleeding. The doctor was rough, rude and just plain business like; no sense of gentleness or heart.
As he was scanning my tummy, he matter of factly said, "There is the healthy baby, and there is the sack from the other baby...but the baby isn't there anymore. You had twins. But you don't now." And he just grabbed his papers, told me to "sit tight" and left the room. I was left in there with my husband to just "sit tight" and mull over what he had just told me. They gave me papers on how to deal with miscarriage and how to deal with a "threatened miscarriage" for the other baby. I was in shock. I don't think I even cried for a long time. There is never a right way to find out that you had twins, but don't now and that you could have another miscarriage for the other little life inside you.
I went on to have a healthy pregnancy. I told very few friends that I had miscarried a twin. And most people would just look at me like "Ohhhh" and never really say much. I never could figure out why.
My twins brother went on to be born, beautifully handsome and healthy. I was thrilled to have him in my life. But 5 months after he was born, it happened all over again. My husband was active duty US Navy and the day it happened, he had duty. When a person has duty in the military, it's a 24 hour period they have to stay at their job to do watch, work, etc. I woke up at 5 am, took my husband to work and returned home, cuddled into bed, knowing the day ahead was going to be long and lonely. I always missed my hubby on duty days. (Who doesn't? lol). I woke up around 8 am when my 5 month old son woke up. I realized I was in horrible pain. I figured it was just a bad monthly coming on since I knew I was late. But I hadn't had regular monthlies since having my son. So it wasn't unusual to me. Then later on that afternoon, the gush happened. And it just kept gushing. No stop in the flow, or less.
I struggled to get my son ready to go and called my husband's ship to tell them to get a message to my husband that I was headed to the ER. I was loosing way too much blood. I was hoping my husband could meet me there, but since he had duty, they wouldn't let him off.
After getting into the hospital, got checked in and they took blood, the nurse came out to me and told me she needed to talk to me. She said my blood had traces of HCG (the hormone that helps sustain the baby) but that the levels were extremely low. She asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I just sat in shock. It was happening again. I was hundreds of miles from my parents, my husband was at work, and I pretty much had no friends near by at the time. She said they wanted to do an ultrasound to check to see if there was any other baby in there, since this had happened once before. I called my husband to let him know what was going on while they prepared the ultrasound.
Again, the doctors (3 of them this time) just bluntly told me I had lost a baby and walked out of the room after preforming the ultrasound. After that, my husband arrived to be with me. (Thankfully his duty leader let him off to come be with me since I'd had a confirmed miscarriage). We just cried. We didn't really tell anyone, not even our parents until much, much later. I was scared of people's response. I didn't want people to lessen what I'd gone through like they did last time.
What hurt the most is when we decided to tell someone close, or someone we thought should have been close, they did exactly what I dreaded, and why I didn't want to tell anyone. They told us it was impossible to get pregnant that fast after having a baby and that I was just wrong. They never said they were sorry, or felt for us, or anything.
I'm telling my story, because I hear women being hurt like this all the time. People not knowing what to say, how to respond to a loss like this, or making light of the situation just compounds the situation and make it worse.
Can I just say this?
When you find out a person has experienced a loss, especially with a baby, don't make light of it. Whether they tell you on the phone, through a text or an email, respond with love, care and concern. I decided to text a couple of people about it because I really didn't want to put them in a place of having to come up with something to say right then and there. But what happened instead is they never responded at all. Nothing.
That hurts. It feels like they either didn't believe me, or just didn't care. Don't do that to people. Be nice, be caring, be loving, be concerned. Remember, they're struggling with a loss, it's NOT something to not respond to, or make light of. Gather round them, hug them, tell them you're there if they just need a shoulder to cry on, or an ear that can listen. Send flowers, or make a meal, Answer your phone. Respond to texts. Send a heartfelt email to them. Be there. Just be there.
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