Nights Like These

Ever had a night where so much weighs on your mind, you can't sleep?

I am having one of those right now, so don't worry if you do...you're not alone. Tonight is a night where I have a lot on my mind. Too many things happened today, or yesterday to be exact, since it's 3 something in the morning now.

It's not bad to admit you're human, but our natural nature doesn't want to admit that, because it ruins our pride, our image, and what we think others will think of us. But something I've found is that when I admit I'm wrong, I find a sense of freedom to be me, and to love others, because I can realize that they're human too.

This past week, it came to my attention from a former friend who attended the same church I did growing up, that a newspaper article had printed a "quote" I supposedly said that was hurtful to my ex-church. I was somewhat aware of the wrongness of the quote for the past year or so, but didn't realize the severity of it, since I'd only scanned the article once before. I didn't really read what I was quoted on, because the rest of the article so infuriated me to all the lies and gossip flying around about my old church.

It really frustrated me, when I went to read the article with more attention to detail. I ended up contacting the editor of the newspaper about it and am still in a verbal/written "fight" about it. What they quoted me as saying was a mix/mash of what was really said.

Then tonight, my husband came home from talking with someone and informed me that it was still believed I was going around bashing another family. I've been making it my goal to be as nice, kind, cordial and honest with this family and to have lies again told to them, hurt beyond words.

Maybe it's because I'm an emotional wreck with this pregnancy. Maybe it's because we've been under extreme stress for quite a few weeks now and all this jumbled up together has been over the top for me. I called my Mom earlier this evening to talk with her about it all, and ended up bawling for a long time, just trying to relieve some of the stress.

I know this all sounds like a HUGE pity party, and maybe I am having a bit of one. I'd admit it. I was upset, angry, distraught, hurt, shattered, frustrated, and felt stomped on and left for the birds.

But what matters the most is that I am trying to get back up from my massive meltdown. I might be really honest with this blog, but I do it in hopes that people can realize they're not alone in their human-ness. It's not a bad thing to be human. What makes it bad is if you choose to allow the human side of you take over your life and rule you. In all honesty, I wanted to just yell and scream earlier. I may have actually done a bit of that too (shamed face, eyes down to the ground). I hate being accused of wrong things. Especially when I know 100% that I am in the right.

What came to mind earlier was Jesus. Jesus was accused wrongly. He was crucified for it. He DIED. People screamed for his death. Yet He took it all quietly, without a word in His defense. That's right. No defense whatsoever. He allowed people to believe that they wanted. He said, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay." He knows what is right and what is wrong. He is the One who will bring justice to all wrongs.

So me wanting justice, and the truth to be known was just my humanity showing. As I sat here tonight, trying to figure out how justice could be done, how my side of the story could be told (after several huge failures on my part to be like Jesus), I came to realize I need to just rest in Him. It didn't matter what people believe about me. It doesn't matter what others say about me. Jesus knows the truth. And that is all that really matters.

Jesus cares about us. He wants to listen to us. We don't have to worry about coming to Him with too petty of things, or coming to Him with things we feel are stupid, wrong, or just plain silly. I know I felt pretty silly telling Him how mad I was and how I felt vengeful and deep seeded anger. When I was praying, I thought, "He's probably sitting there just rolling His eyes, because He just wants me to be perfect and not be angry." Then I had to remind myself of what He said. "Be angry, but sin not." "Do not let the sun go down on your anger..."

So by those words alone, I felt comfort in the fact that He realized we're human. He knew we'd get angry. He just admonished us to not sin in our anger. And then He encouraged us to be grown-up and not stay in our pity party by not going to bed angry. Isn't God great? He realize our humanity. He has no problem with us being human and making mistakes. He made a way out and it feels so good to just relax and not have to be perfect.

I hope all this makes sense. I know I ramble a lot. Another side of my humanity maybe? I do love to talk. Haha. Ooops. I'm pretty sure there is some scripture somewhere that talks about not being loquacious. Maybe that's the next thing I need to work on? :)

Be of good cheer folks! God is faithful. He loves us. He loves us even with all our faults and petty problems.

Good night!